When The Thing is Not The Thing

Do you ever have those breakdowns about the thing that is not the thing?

This is pretty much how I operate 100% of the time. The thing is never the thing.

I remember during seminary finals I was stressed to the max. Studying like crazy, but still feeling a little dumb. Not getting as much sleep as I needed (which messes with my head) and just straight up stressed. The funny thing is, I felt like I was handling the stress pretty well. Until I pulled up to our house after my last final (yes, I was DONE!), and as I was getting out of my car I hit my head on the top of the door.

And the tears started to flow. Right there in the street.

About hitting my head? No. Not at all. See, the thing was totally not the thing.

Without getting into too many details for now, the last month has been stressful in many ways with a lot of ups and downs. I've spent time in prayer and have felt like I've been "ok" with the way things have been. Until today... when I found Sarge eating a dead bird in the back yard. Gross. I got him away from it, took Grace to MDO and then came back to find (please skip this part if you have a queasy stomach) the nasty bird carcass and feathers that he had thrown up all over my living room rug. It actually cleaned up pretty easily but I still think I need some overtime pay for that one. Well, by the time I got home after picking Grace up, there was the poor tiny bird head (and lots of other nastiness) all over the rug in Grace's room. Please remember this is the same rug that Sarge had a poop explosion all over like a week or two before Grace entered the world. :)

And then came the meltdown. About the rug? No. (Well maybe a little about the rug). But mostly about the crazy emotional roller coaster that I've been on over the past month. The thing was just totally not the thing.

But through the ups and downs I've realized that God has done one of those "deep changes" on my heart. It's one of those things that you don't realize is there until you go through what you've been through before... but this time you realize it's different.

What I've seen is that He's taken away the "shock" I used to feel about facing trials. When I used to face difficult times, I would be upset over 2 things:

1. The fact that this is happening to me ("Why me?" I would think, and basically be filled with self-pity)

2. And then whatever the particular trial was

I no longer think "why me?" And it's not because I'm awesome (because we've clearly established that I'm not!), but it's because God has done a work on my heart in this area and I didn't realize it until this most recent trial.

It's not that I'm now a debbie downer, always expecting something bad to come my way, I think I just understand trials better. I believe and understand at a deeper level that trials are God's way of shaping us and molding us and sanctifying us into who He wants us to be. (I obviously "knew" this before with my head, but didn't used to actually feel it with my heart). Somehow, in the midst of these trials God has reminded me that this really is HIS plan. It's not some "unfair" situation. It's not because of Johnny so and so. It's not because I did something wrong. It's because it's His plan and He wants to sanctify me through trials.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I obviously can't say I have "counted it all joy", but I have walked through just the trial this time instead of the "self-pity" and the trial.

Tim Keller says that in the face of trials we need to "relocate our glory." (Yes, I'm quoting someone other than Matt Chandler, aren't you proud?) Meaning that, usually we are looking for our glory and security in something outside of Christ and that often makes the trial even more difficult. Our glory is in Christ and not in anything else. We need to see our trials from the perspective of the Gospel... there is resurrection on the other side of suffering. We must continue walking with Him. Christ not only followed and obeyed God, He followed Him all the way to the grave.

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:8

That is what perfect obedience looks like. If it takes trials and pain and hardship to get us closer to looking like Jesus, then we really should consider it all joy.

(And maybe I should also start praying that I can actually make the thing the thing. Then when I have my breakdowns they will actually be about something legitimate instead of dead bird carcasses.)

Pride Check...

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you feel totally on top of the world?

Honestly, I was having one yesterday. It was one of those good and prideful days where I really felt like Jeff should just pin an award on me and have a little ceremony honoring my mommy skills. The morning went smooth getting Grace to Mother's Days Out. No tantrums, no hang ups, no turn-arounds because we forgot something. Just pure delicious smoothness. After I dropped her off I raced to the gym for some good torture at spin class (it was full, darn it, but I got my own little workout in). I came home to shower and show the house, and then picked Grace up and put her down for her nap. After she went down I got a head start on dinner by prepping a chicken to roast for dinner. I mean, if dinner is prepped ahead of time, you know it's a good day around here! Oh, and can I also throw in the fact that my house was perfectly clean since we also had two showings?! Yeah, just try to stress me out, Tuesday, I've got everything under control around here.

Ok- before I start to annoy myself with all this "bragging" let me just say... I'm sharing this because my thinking is really. just. absolutely. ridiculous.

Does anyone else ever think this way or am I the only crazy prideful person out there? Does it make you want to go post something on Facebook that is kind of about what an awesome mom you are, but not really, so it's not totally like you're bragging, but you can can still get a good "hint" of brag in there? Something like... "Yummm... can't wait to roast the chicken I just prepped for dinner!" But what you're really saying is, "yes, I'm an awesome mom, folks. It's only 1:30 pm and I've got a delicious chicken to pop in the oven before my husband gets home from work. I'll be wearing my cute little apron and will greet him with a wet kiss, a perfect home and a perfect child. Oh, I'm sorry that's not your life... that's too bad." :) (Hmmm... Facebook might get its own post too!)

Ok, so our pride is really what's ridiculous about this whole thing. Do we really think that we deserve the glory for accomplishing these things? (And ok, I realize that the "accomplishments" I've listed above are probably not even considered accomplishments to most people. These are probably things you do everyday without breaking a sweat, but I'm a little behind you and the rest of the world. So please insert whatever accomplishments you find yourself being proud of and let the example work for you.) :)

And what's even more ridiculous, is that most of the time we really actually DO think we deserve the glory! Ha! Let me just go through the list... using my so-called "accomplishments" as an example...

First of all... I woke up yesterday by the grace of God. He does not owe me today. He did not owe me yesterday and He does not owe me tomorrow. My legs and arms and eyes and ears are all working pretty perfectly too. Without such gifts I couldn't have made Grace's lunch, or driven her to MDO, or given her a big hug this morning. I should be on my knees praising His name and thanking Him for the giving me breath today, but I'm pretty sure I just took it for granted instead.

The smoothness of the morning was a gift as well. Anything that I contributed that seemed to make it smooth was by His grace and by the leading of the Holy Spirit. Grace was happy this morning, not because I'm an awesome mom, but because that was His plan for her today.

Oh, what about this? Can I be prideful about the fact that I chose to go the gym? Oh wait, no, because again, He gives me that desire and He gave me my functioning body. I should be praising Him for giving me a body that works and praising Him that I am blessed with the time in my day to exercise. (And while we're on this note... if I'm working out to bring glory to myself then there's another check in the pride box right there. So if I take pride in the fact that I'm working out in order to become prideful about my appearance, then I'm just all kinds of messed up... Did anyone follow that?)

The 3 hours of the day where Grace is at Mother's Day Out is a huge blessing from God that we are able to pay for it. We can only pay for it because God has placed Jeff in the job that he has right now and has given Him certain strengths and abilities. His job could be gone tomorrow and it could last the rest of his life, but either way it's a gift. Jeff doesn't have that job because he's awesome. Any of His "awesomeness" comes from the power of the Holy Spirit working through him. His identity is not in his job (well, I know sometimes it feels like it is, but that's not where it actually is. It is in Christ.) And the only way I even got that darn chicken ready is because of MDO! And MDO is a gift! But somehow I am taking the glory for the chicken!

(Why am I taking glory for a chicken in the first place? It's a chicken. Somehow I've ended up talking way too much about this stinkin' chicken. And I apologize.)

It's kind of difficult to think about some of the things we feel prideful about. I used to not really think of myself as a prideful person because I am also my own worst critic! But I feel like I have been faced with the depth of my pride lately as I am faced with the awesomeness of God.

We can not know God truly and deeply and still be prideful.

We just can't. And like I've said before... I still have a ways to go in truly knowing Him.

I know that some of this might sound negative... like we have no control or say in our lives. Like nothing I do as a mom will change the way my children turn out. Well, we do have free will... obviously, you can go buy a cookies and cream shake from Chick Fil A right now if you want to. (Mmmm...that sounds good). But I wouldn't say that we are in control. We are not in control of whether or not we'll make it there safely. We are not in control of whether or not they will have chocolate shakes available. We are also not in control of how our children turn out. We think we are, but we're really not. God is in control. We are not. Plain and simple.

Obviously, we can still make choices and decisions that are wise and glorifying to God. Feeding your obese child fast food 3 times a day and stating that it's just God will for him to be overweight won't cut it. But on the other hand, when we obsess about what we feed our children and think we are controlling their destiny for a cancer-free life, we are also mistaken. We can not manipulate life to work the way we want it to. (Which is actually a blessing- God's plans for us are MUCH better than the ones we come up with anyway!)

But again, if you think this sounds negative, I'll go ahead and throw in the puncher, and give you my favorite Matt Chandler quote (because no post is complete without some good ole' Matt Chandler)...

"You are not awesome."

It's true. We're not. And if we are offended by that, we have yet to see the depth of God's awesomeness.

"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too in the assembly of the holy ones. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared. He is more awesome than all who surround Him. O Lord God almighty, who is like you?"

-Psalm 89:5-8

As if I didn't realize the depth of my pride enough yesterday, God thought I needed one more kick in the pants today, just to be sure there wasn't any leftover pride running around in that head of mine. Grace was sitting and climbing on a stool at her 18 month appointment this morning while I talked to Dr. Black. I was holding Grace's hand, but let go for a moment to use my hand as I told a story. After I let go, Grace fell backwards off the stool, head first... hitting her head on the cement-like floor and a corner of a wooden table leg all at the same time. It was the bad type of fall. The type that takes a doctor by surprise and makes her check my poor baby's head. I'm pretty sure she wanted to check mine too.

Good thing God is way more awesome than me.