This is pretty much how I operate 100% of the time. The thing is never the thing.
I remember during seminary finals I was stressed to the max. Studying like crazy, but still feeling a little dumb. Not getting as much sleep as I needed (which messes with my head) and just straight up stressed. The funny thing is, I felt like I was handling the stress pretty well. Until I pulled up to our house after my last final (yes, I was DONE!), and as I was getting out of my car I hit my head on the top of the door.
And the tears started to flow. Right there in the street.
About hitting my head? No. Not at all. See, the thing was totally not the thing.
Without getting into too many details for now, the last month has been stressful in many ways with a lot of ups and downs. I've spent time in prayer and have felt like I've been "ok" with the way things have been. Until today... when I found Sarge eating a dead bird in the back yard. Gross. I got him away from it, took Grace to MDO and then came back to find (please skip this part if you have a queasy stomach) the nasty bird carcass and feathers that he had thrown up all over my living room rug. It actually cleaned up pretty easily but I still think I need some overtime pay for that one. Well, by the time I got home after picking Grace up, there was the poor tiny bird head (and lots of other nastiness) all over the rug in Grace's room. Please remember this is the same rug that Sarge had a poop explosion all over like a week or two before Grace entered the world. :)
And then came the meltdown. About the rug? No. (Well maybe a little about the rug). But mostly about the crazy emotional roller coaster that I've been on over the past month. The thing was just totally not the thing.
But through the ups and downs I've realized that God has done one of those "deep changes" on my heart. It's one of those things that you don't realize is there until you go through what you've been through before... but this time you realize it's different.
What I've seen is that He's taken away the "shock" I used to feel about facing trials. When I used to face difficult times, I would be upset over 2 things:
1. The fact that this is happening to me ("Why me?" I would think, and basically be filled with self-pity)
2. And then whatever the particular trial was
I no longer think "why me?" And it's not because I'm awesome (because we've clearly established that I'm not!), but it's because God has done a work on my heart in this area and I didn't realize it until this most recent trial.
It's not that I'm now a debbie downer, always expecting something bad to come my way, I think I just understand trials better. I believe and understand at a deeper level that trials are God's way of shaping us and molding us and sanctifying us into who He wants us to be. (I obviously "knew" this before with my head, but didn't used to actually feel it with my heart). Somehow, in the midst of these trials God has reminded me that this really is HIS plan. It's not some "unfair" situation. It's not because of Johnny so and so. It's not because I did something wrong. It's because it's His plan and He wants to sanctify me through trials.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4
I obviously can't say I have "counted it all joy", but I have walked through just the trial this time instead of the "self-pity" and the trial.
Tim Keller says that in the face of trials we need to "relocate our glory." (Yes, I'm quoting someone other than Matt Chandler, aren't you proud?) Meaning that, usually we are looking for our glory and security in something outside of Christ and that often makes the trial even more difficult. Our glory is in Christ and not in anything else. We need to see our trials from the perspective of the Gospel... there is resurrection on the other side of suffering. We must continue walking with Him. Christ not only followed and obeyed God, He followed Him all the way to the grave.
"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:8
That is what perfect obedience looks like. If it takes trials and pain and hardship to get us closer to looking like Jesus, then we really should consider it all joy.
(And maybe I should also start praying that I can actually make the thing the thing. Then when I have my breakdowns they will actually be about something legitimate instead of dead bird carcasses.)
No comments:
Post a Comment