Grace completely owned me today. Owned me, schooled me, had her way with me, beat me into a little pulp and went on with her pretty little day. In more ways than one. Seriously.
The day started with some good "clean" fun with a swiffer. (Yes, I went there with the "clean" joke). I bent down near her to do something and she accidentally jabbed the handle into my face. It actually really hurt so I reacted with a big "Owww!!" (First mistake). Well of course she thought me screaming "owww!!" was really funny so she immediately jabbed the stinkin' handle right back at me for another reaction... only this time right into my eye. I was about to cry from the pain. No signs of a black eye yet, but one definitely might be coming.
Any day that begins with a swiffer handle in your eye can only get better, right? Or so I thought. (2nd mistake)
Then we were off to a play date at a splash pad/park in Belton that we had never been to before. When we pulled up I thought it looked amazing, and it was actually. But all Grace wanted to do was climb up a really tall slide and then slide back down. She was literally giving me a heart attack every time she got close to the top because, well... she has a little clumsiness in her genes and I could just picture her tumbling down the slide. (Or over the side of the slide or all of the above.)
We survived that (barely) but then we were at the splash pad and Grace wanders off behind me (heading to the playground I think) (3rd mistake) and when I turn my head to double check that that's where she was going, she was nowhere to be found. The street is super close to the park so I had a mini heart attack. I looked behind the bathrooms and didn't see her and I go into that crazy (but innate) panic mom mode. This is actually the first time in Grace's 19 months of life that I've ever had that "where is my child?" freak out. You try to keep the panic within and act calm, but then you realize that in numbers you have a greater chance of finding her, so you scream out (while trying not to sound too crazy) "where on earth is my child!!! Oh my gosh, does anyone see her???" (To my defense, there is a huge part of the street that you can't see because of the bathrooms so I was worried she was in the street. Why I didn't run back there, I'm not sure. Screaming seemed like the better option in the moment). Right as her mother was going into cardiac arrest, Grace casually struts her stuff right on out of the women's bathroom. Ha. Owned that mom of mine again.
We left to go eat lunch (not without a few more minor incidents) at Bodega Bean, a cute little coffee/sandwich shop. It's not really set up for kids, it's more for lounging, so the girls got to sit in big girl chairs. This is never good for us. Grace was eating a big cup of fruit and kept dropping some on the ground, getting out of her chair and trying to eat it. Each germ-ridden piece of fruit that I tried to get to would result in a scream/meltdown/kicking fest. Pretty sure she ate a piece or two off the ground. Towards the end of lunch she was behaving pretty well so I was caught up in conversation a little bit, until an older lady sitting next to us came right over to our table, picked up Grace's cup of fruit which was 2 inches from my foot and told me that all the fruit had spilled to the ground and she had been eating it. Thank you, sweet woman, for obviously caring more for my child than I did in the moment. Along with my heart of gratitude, was sheer embarrassment for being that mom that someone has to "lend a hand to" because they have no clue what is going on with their child. Yeah... I've totally judged these kinds of moms before. (And I'm totally getting another lesson on humility... which pretty much happens daily around here now).
I think as moms we can't help but to base our level of "success" as a mom on our child's behavior (and on our own behavior in response to them). If Johnny is a good boy, then he must have a great mom. I am not going to lie, I definitely had a couple of those "what am I doing wrong?" thoughts today. (Grace- this is totally not offensive towards you- I'm pretty sure you are just a normal toddler and your mom is just a first time mom and doesn't know anything).
I started reading a new book recently called "Show them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus." I love the message of the book, which is basically that we have changed the story of the Bible, which is a story of grace, into a book of rules and moralistic teachings. We use the Bible to tell our kids how they should behave instead of allowing it to point to the grace that our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us.
Obviously God lays out desirable behaviors for us in His word, but this is not its primary message. Instead of using the Bible to tell our children what they should be doing, we need to make these stories about remembering. Remembering the work of Christ and not focusing on the work of our children (or ourselves).
"The good news about Jesus's obedience and shameful death is the only motif that will grant our children a heart to obey."
Obedience comes from a changed heart. The longer we try to turn our children into behaving robots (or become behaving robots ourselves) the further we are pushing ourselves away from the true message of the Gospel.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm preaching this message because I obviously did not have a "behaving robot" on my hands today and I'm trying to make myself feel better. Ha... ok, maybe a little bit. But really, I'm trying to remind myself of these truths.
I am not valued by my behavior, by my success as a mother or by my ability to keep it all together while in public with a toddler that is owning me... over and over and over.
And I will not teach my children that their value comes from their behaviors either. But obviously, "behaving" on and adult level and a toddler level are important as well. I just don't know what else to say about that, but I'll let you know when I figure it all out.
But for now, I think I'll strut around town with my black eye, bragging about the fact that neither myself nor my child are behaving robots, thank ya very much!
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