Anyone else...

... have tears in their eyes after watching this?

I read this definition of parenting the the other day. I had to read it a couple times (but maybe I'm just slow that way). I thought it was beautiful...

"You fulfill yourself by denying yourself, preparing the people you can't live without to live without you."

(Crazy U by Andrew Ferguson)

The Cul de Sac of Stupidity

I'm completely stealing another thought/idea/clever phrase from Matt Chandler... I should probably dedicate this blog to him, or pay him copyright fees, or maybe I should just get my own material. I'm not sure. While I am totally stealing his phrase, I did want to expand on it a little bit more.

It's called... the "Cul de Sac of Stupidity." Yes, maybe it's a little harsh and yes, he's kind of calling our thinking process "stupid," but that's really what it is. I'll try to break it down...

Ultimately, only God alone can satisfy us, right? He alone is to be praised. He alone is worthy. He alone is God. He is the only one who can satisfy us with a real and deep satisfaction. Think about how often you feel satisfied (or what you think is satisfied) through your children, your spouse, your friends, your possessions, your beautiful home, your new car smell car, your boat, your smokin' hot body or your perfect hair. The thing is, none of those (no, not even your precious children) are able to truly and deeply satisfy you. If you try to let these things satisfy you, you always go searching for "more" because they always fall short of God.

You've probably heard this concept before. But I think it's something we tend to forget, and if you look at the way we think, live, or act, it's obvious that we forget this.

So where does the cul de sac of stupidity come in? Well, our 4 year old car doesn't satisfy us anymore, so we get a new one. Our iPhone just isn't cutting it anymore so we need the newer one. Our hairstyle is a little boring so we need a new one. Our daughter's clothes just aren't quite cute enough so let's buy her some more. He also comments on the fact that most things we buy are things we already have. I thought this was so interesting and so true! I was listening to it right after I bought Jeff a Keurig coffee maker for Father's Day and I was like, yup, we already had a coffee maker!

We are stuck in the cul de sac of stupidity, going round and round, trying the same thing over and over to satisfy us. And it doesn't. So what do we do? Look to The Source of Eternal Satisfaction? No! We try out some more "new" things! And we really think that the "next thing" might actually satisfy us for more than .5 seconds this time. See how silly it is?

But some of us might feel like we've escaped the cul de sac of stupidity because we don't always have to have the best car or phone or clothes or house or whatever. We might be feeling good and prideful about the fact that we aren't super materialistic, that we know how to draw financial limits for ourselves. But there are plenty of other ways to get stuck in this "cul de sac"...

Maybe I'm just making this up, but I feel like our generation isn't quite as materialistic as the previous one. (Or maybe it's because I now live in Temple instead of Dallas?) I just tend to come across a lot more people in my generation that actually realize that their identity is not found in "things." What I feel like is happening though is that we're having the same "heart issue" but expressing it in a different way. Maybe you're not finding your satisfaction in your granite countertops, but are you finding your satisfaction in how "good" of a person you think you are, in how much you volunteer, in how much you accomplish in 24 hours, in how awesome of a mom you are, in how awesome of a wife you are... or even... in how good you are at following God's commands, or how often you read your Bible.

Please notice that I'm using "reading your Bible" and "following God's commands" as parallel examples to "needing a new car." Yes, I'm really doing that. And I'll tell you why.

It's all about the heart behind these actions. Obviously needing a new car and reading your Bible are not in and of themselves bad things. But our identity and our satisfaction is in Christ, and Christ alone. If we feel good about ourselves for volunteering or reading our Bible or following God's law, it's no different than feeling good about yourself because of the ferrari that you drive or the 5 carat diamond ring that sport. Isn't it ironic that we judge wealthy people for finding their satisfaction in "things," when our heart is actually doing the same thing, just with something other than a 5 carat diamond ring (well, maybe you have a 5 carat ring... ;)).

If we are finding our ultimate satisfaction outside of Him, no matter what it is in, it doesn't last and it's not real. We go around and around the cul de sac of stupidity trying to volunteer more, read our Bible more, or be "better" at following God's commands. We are kind of trying to satisfy ourselves with our "goodness."

We often do these things to feel better about ourselves instead of to bring honor and glory to God.

It's basically saying, God, I don't need you. I can be a "good" person by my own effort. I can help people. I can memorize Scripture. I can "earn" your favor and become deserving of your grace.

But we can't. We miss the whole purpose of the cross if we think we can earn it or deserve it because it's absolutely free...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8-9.

We can't work for it and we can't play a part in salvation. It's from Him.

We typically have a really difficult time accepting things for free so we start to work for them. Do you realize what we are saying when we are trying to work for salvation? We are saying that Christ's work wasn't enough. That we have to add something to it. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

So let's try to identify the "Cul de Sacs of Stupidity" that we're stuck in, hand them over to Him, and take residence on just a good old, narrow residential street... that looks a lot like His path for our lives.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

Ultimate Desires...

What are your ultimate desires for your children? After several weeks of thinking in circles through various issues, I've had to ask myself this question over and over. I've realized that if you were to look at the things most of us actually spend our time talking about, it would appear as though our ultimate desires are for our children to...

Go to the best schools

Make good grades

Be the best in their class (or at least better than 90%) ;)

Be awesome athletes

Have a wide range of opportunities

Have good friends

Go to college

Get a great job

Be "successful" (whatever that means!)

Get married

Have children

Etc.

While none of these things are necessarily evil desires, they have been making me think. We've been sorting through this whole school thing a little early because our house is for sale so we are taking into consideration what school district we'll move into. As I've been asking around for advice, here are some of the pros and cons I hear about various schools...

"School A is smaller so your child has a better chance at being in the top 10% and excelling in sports."

"I sent my son to School B and when he went to college he was absolutely not prepared."

"School C has gangs and a higher rate of teenage pregnancy."

As I've thought over these things and tried to kind of make some sort of a decision for where our 16 month old might possibly go to kindergarten, I've tried to back up and ask... what is our ultimate goal? What is our ultimate desire for Grace and our other child(ren)?

Very simply, it is that they would love Christ, and be captivated by Him each and every day...both in the seemingly menial tasks and the seemingly important tasks. That they would have a deep love for His people and spend their time serving instead of judging. That they would follow where He leads and that they would desire to walk with Him. Ultimately, that they would glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

So, if that is really our ultimate desire, how does this play out as we try to make a decision about school districts? I honestly don't know. I wish I had an answer because then I would have the answer to where we should move. But through all of this, I have learned that all the menial things we try to control are pretty ridiculous. God can "educate" my child through a teen mom. God can "educate" my child by not giving them a spot in the top 10%. God can "educate" my child by not providing an immediate job for them. It just depends on how we define education.

(Ok, obviously, OBVIOUSLY, I'm not suggesting that we all try to put our kids in the most difficult situations ever and pray that God teaches them through it. I'm not saying that I hope Grace is at the bottom of her class or that I hope she has wild friends, or that I hope she isn't prepared for college so that God can teach her. Obviously. But just in case you really think that I'm that crazy, I wanted to clarify.)

I'm just reminding myself of what is really important as we sort through this decision. I hope we can come back to these basics desires as we continue to make these types of decision in the future.

This prayer has been written in the front of my Bible since college. I didn't write it, and I don't know where it's from. (I'm probably breaking some copyright laws here.) It's a prayer that I hope will will truly reflect the desire of my heart a little more each time I pray it...

"Lord, I give up all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever. Amen."

It takes a lot of faith to pray that God would work out His will in my life "at any cost." I think it takes even more faith to pray that prayer for Grace. What if Him working out His will means that she doesn't go to college, or that she doesn't get married, or even... that her time on this earth would be shorter than we "expect." As much as it pains me to even type those words...

Are we actually able to pray that God would work out His perfect will in the life of our family at any cost? And do we really mean it? Is our ultimate desire for Grace really that she would glorify God and enjoy Him forever? And do our actions and decisions reflect that?

Just some light thinking for your Sunday evening... :)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

I Just Bought a Rabbit's Foot...

Friday 13th was a day for the record books around here. Let me start by saying I have really felt like Grace and I have been in a great "groove" around here lately. I was feeling pretty good and prideful about the fact that we have a general daily schedule, we do fun stuff with friends during the week, we read books, we do little crafty things and we really have been enjoying our days for the most part! I thought I had finally reached my "stay-at-home-mommy-groove," until I realized that, unfortunately, there really is no such defined groove.

I am not kidding when I say that Friday the 13th was the most difficult day I've ever had as a mom. Pretty sure God wanted to tear down my prideful thinking, test my patience to humbling degrees, and give me some "material" for my new blog. Grace was in a mood of all moods, we had a messy house with two house showings, a trip to the grocery store where I conveniently left my wallet at home, AND an online order to Papa John's in which I accidentally selected "carryout" instead of "delivery." Really?? Apparently I've walked under one too many ladders in my lifetime.

I think Grace had a total of 4 temper tantrums, which is about as many as she had had in her life up to this point. And that is not including the huge fits that went with every. single. diaper. change. all. day. long. Diaper changes are, quite literally, being used by God to sanctify me these days.

By tantrum #3 I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided to put her in her crib and let her scream it out (even though I still debate whether their crib is the best place to have a tantrum). I didn't have the energy to think, I just acted in the moment and I told her I would be back when she had stopped screaming. I needed her confined because when Grace throws tantrums she likes to run all over the house screaming, so it doesn't necessarily feel safe to ignore her. (That's probably why she runs!) While she threw her tantrum, I went to the kitchen, and I wish I could say that I prayed for patience, but I really just did everything within my power to not lay my belly down on the kitchen floor, legs kicking and arms flailing, head shaking and mouth screaming (that is how I threw tantrums back in the day). Fortunately, I did resist the urge, thank you very much.

By about 5:00, I was ready for the day to be over. Actually, I was ready to eat some pizza, and I was counting down the minutes until that delicious heart attack arrived on my door step. Oh, but it never did. Oh, and Jeff was working late. Oh, and I was just done.

By the time Jeff "carried out" and "delivered" our pizza, I was hungry, tired, frustrated and just needed to be alone. I literally ate dinner in the living room by myself while Jeff and Grace ate at the table. (Mom of the year anyone?) I slowly felt convicted about neglecting my husband and child, so I decided to turn on Grey's Anatomy, thinking that would make all my problems go away. For some strange and unknown reason, it didn't. About 5 minutes later, I still felt convicted, so I got my lazy booty off the couch, joined them at the table, and tried to be a decent human being.

I don't think I succeeded.

For those of you who have never experienced this, you are probably judging me right now. The pre-mom Kim probably would be too, so I won't judge you for judging me. I'll just continue...

I think my hopes of being the "best mom in the world" have slowly vanished as I've realized that, well, I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I still definitely put some crazy, perfectionist pressure on myself to win the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity award” in heaven. (Haven’t you read where Jesus talks about that reward?) I know, I think irrational and prideful thoughts. Often. Much more often than I would like to admit. (And don’t worry- a post is probably coming on that soon!)

But then I remember the good/bad news… I fall short. I am a horrible sinner. And I am a sinner in the “mom” part of my life too. Weekly. Daily. Hourly. By the second, really.

I read something recently in Gary Thomas' "Sacred Parenting" that has really changed the way I view myself as a mom. It's a very simple concept that I had heard before, but had never really understand how to practically apply it to my life. It is this:

God uses my weaknesses as a parent.

Yes, I said "uses." Not just "tolerates", not just "puts up with", but USES. Think about this... as your children realize that YOU are not perfect, that YOU are not all-knowing, that YOU can not love perfectly… they see their need for God. When they realize that mommy and daddy are sinners too, they realize that even mommy and daddy need a Savior.

Thomas says,"All of us are helpless apart from God's grace. I can't be God to my kids, but I can model my need for God." (p 46) I've decided that I would SO much rather model my need for God to Grace than try to be God to Grace.

Do I want Grace to see me as a Christian role model? Absolutely. But none of us have the power and strength of our own will to "buck up" and suddenly become perfect just because we are parents. Do you get that? We can not be the "perfect parent" because we are not the Perfect Parent. When we mess up with our kids, we ask the Lord for forgiveness and we ask our children for forgiveness. We pray that we will be reminded of our sinfulness which will, in turn, bring us to our knees as we reflect on the work of Christ on the cross.

I exposed the depths of my sin and my weaknesses to my husband, to my daughter and to myself on Friday. It was disgusting, but it was also reality. I am a wretched sinner. But thankfully the message of the Gospel doesn't end there. I rejoice in the fact that I am made clean by the work of Christ on the cross and not by the work of Kim in any aspect whatsoever.

So let's take the pressure off of ourselves to be perfect. Let's give up our hopes and dreams of being crowned the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity” and instead let's apply the truth of the gospel to our everyday lives (diaper changes included), and see how it changes us.

Deal?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Woo hoo!

Here we go! For all 5 of you dear, dedicated blogging friends that decided to join me on this journey... welcome. As for the rest of you... I really didn't want you to read my new super cool blog anyway. No really... just stop reading.

Kidding, kidding! Totally and utterly kidding! :)

Anyway, let's get down to blogging business. First of all... I have been craving blogging lately. Not sure if that's normal but hopefully the feeling will last and I will not become a blog slacker. Well, actually, I can guarantee that I will be a blog slacker at times, but hopefully it will only be for short periods of time! :)

Secondly... the name of the blog. Does anyone get the double entendre? Anyone? Do you even know what a double entendre is... because I totally had to google the spelling of it and double check that I was using the correct term. (Proud of me, Nieder & Mel?) Ok, obviously, "Ever Since Grace," as in, ever since we had our daughter Grace. But ALSO "Ever Since Grace," as in, ever since I received and understood the Grace of God in my life. The two are pretty big milestones and are pretty big sources of inspiration for my blogging, so I thought the title was appropriate.

What are your thoughts? I'm still open to suggestions... I mean, I like the idea I have going here, but if you can think of a better way to say it, I am all ears. See, I told you, I like group participation. Even if it's only 5 brave people willing to speak up. (I really hope you non-welcome people aren't still reading!) :)

Oh, and I also threw this little blog design together with the help of "Cutest Little Blog on the Block." It didn't turn out so cute because I tried to add this header and throw in some text. Wow... way over my head. Anyway, it's a work in progress and will hopefully be updated soon, so please don't judge me based on my design. (I'll probably disclose way worse things about myself that you can judge anyway.) :)

Ok, I think that's it for now. Nothing too earth shattering to share for my first post. This is fun though- I kind of like blogging about nothing. Oh wait, I do have one more question before I embark on this blogging journey...

What are some of your favorite "Mommy blogs" that are interesting to read even if you don't know the family? Serious ones, funny ones, deep ones- I want them all for some inspiration! I am bad at reading blogs of people I don't know... not sure why. Maybe because I tend to be short on this little thing called "time" and I tend to be too selfish with it. Not sure. But I better not say anything else to avoid going off on a little rant. I should probably save my ranting for my second blog post, don't ya think? :)