I Just Bought a Rabbit's Foot...

Friday 13th was a day for the record books around here. Let me start by saying I have really felt like Grace and I have been in a great "groove" around here lately. I was feeling pretty good and prideful about the fact that we have a general daily schedule, we do fun stuff with friends during the week, we read books, we do little crafty things and we really have been enjoying our days for the most part! I thought I had finally reached my "stay-at-home-mommy-groove," until I realized that, unfortunately, there really is no such defined groove.

I am not kidding when I say that Friday the 13th was the most difficult day I've ever had as a mom. Pretty sure God wanted to tear down my prideful thinking, test my patience to humbling degrees, and give me some "material" for my new blog. Grace was in a mood of all moods, we had a messy house with two house showings, a trip to the grocery store where I conveniently left my wallet at home, AND an online order to Papa John's in which I accidentally selected "carryout" instead of "delivery." Really?? Apparently I've walked under one too many ladders in my lifetime.

I think Grace had a total of 4 temper tantrums, which is about as many as she had had in her life up to this point. And that is not including the huge fits that went with every. single. diaper. change. all. day. long. Diaper changes are, quite literally, being used by God to sanctify me these days.

By tantrum #3 I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided to put her in her crib and let her scream it out (even though I still debate whether their crib is the best place to have a tantrum). I didn't have the energy to think, I just acted in the moment and I told her I would be back when she had stopped screaming. I needed her confined because when Grace throws tantrums she likes to run all over the house screaming, so it doesn't necessarily feel safe to ignore her. (That's probably why she runs!) While she threw her tantrum, I went to the kitchen, and I wish I could say that I prayed for patience, but I really just did everything within my power to not lay my belly down on the kitchen floor, legs kicking and arms flailing, head shaking and mouth screaming (that is how I threw tantrums back in the day). Fortunately, I did resist the urge, thank you very much.

By about 5:00, I was ready for the day to be over. Actually, I was ready to eat some pizza, and I was counting down the minutes until that delicious heart attack arrived on my door step. Oh, but it never did. Oh, and Jeff was working late. Oh, and I was just done.

By the time Jeff "carried out" and "delivered" our pizza, I was hungry, tired, frustrated and just needed to be alone. I literally ate dinner in the living room by myself while Jeff and Grace ate at the table. (Mom of the year anyone?) I slowly felt convicted about neglecting my husband and child, so I decided to turn on Grey's Anatomy, thinking that would make all my problems go away. For some strange and unknown reason, it didn't. About 5 minutes later, I still felt convicted, so I got my lazy booty off the couch, joined them at the table, and tried to be a decent human being.

I don't think I succeeded.

For those of you who have never experienced this, you are probably judging me right now. The pre-mom Kim probably would be too, so I won't judge you for judging me. I'll just continue...

I think my hopes of being the "best mom in the world" have slowly vanished as I've realized that, well, I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I still definitely put some crazy, perfectionist pressure on myself to win the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity award” in heaven. (Haven’t you read where Jesus talks about that reward?) I know, I think irrational and prideful thoughts. Often. Much more often than I would like to admit. (And don’t worry- a post is probably coming on that soon!)

But then I remember the good/bad news… I fall short. I am a horrible sinner. And I am a sinner in the “mom” part of my life too. Weekly. Daily. Hourly. By the second, really.

I read something recently in Gary Thomas' "Sacred Parenting" that has really changed the way I view myself as a mom. It's a very simple concept that I had heard before, but had never really understand how to practically apply it to my life. It is this:

God uses my weaknesses as a parent.

Yes, I said "uses." Not just "tolerates", not just "puts up with", but USES. Think about this... as your children realize that YOU are not perfect, that YOU are not all-knowing, that YOU can not love perfectly… they see their need for God. When they realize that mommy and daddy are sinners too, they realize that even mommy and daddy need a Savior.

Thomas says,"All of us are helpless apart from God's grace. I can't be God to my kids, but I can model my need for God." (p 46) I've decided that I would SO much rather model my need for God to Grace than try to be God to Grace.

Do I want Grace to see me as a Christian role model? Absolutely. But none of us have the power and strength of our own will to "buck up" and suddenly become perfect just because we are parents. Do you get that? We can not be the "perfect parent" because we are not the Perfect Parent. When we mess up with our kids, we ask the Lord for forgiveness and we ask our children for forgiveness. We pray that we will be reminded of our sinfulness which will, in turn, bring us to our knees as we reflect on the work of Christ on the cross.

I exposed the depths of my sin and my weaknesses to my husband, to my daughter and to myself on Friday. It was disgusting, but it was also reality. I am a wretched sinner. But thankfully the message of the Gospel doesn't end there. I rejoice in the fact that I am made clean by the work of Christ on the cross and not by the work of Kim in any aspect whatsoever.

So let's take the pressure off of ourselves to be perfect. Let's give up our hopes and dreams of being crowned the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity” and instead let's apply the truth of the gospel to our everyday lives (diaper changes included), and see how it changes us.

Deal?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9