When The Thing is Not The Thing

Do you ever have those breakdowns about the thing that is not the thing?

This is pretty much how I operate 100% of the time. The thing is never the thing.

I remember during seminary finals I was stressed to the max. Studying like crazy, but still feeling a little dumb. Not getting as much sleep as I needed (which messes with my head) and just straight up stressed. The funny thing is, I felt like I was handling the stress pretty well. Until I pulled up to our house after my last final (yes, I was DONE!), and as I was getting out of my car I hit my head on the top of the door.

And the tears started to flow. Right there in the street.

About hitting my head? No. Not at all. See, the thing was totally not the thing.

Without getting into too many details for now, the last month has been stressful in many ways with a lot of ups and downs. I've spent time in prayer and have felt like I've been "ok" with the way things have been. Until today... when I found Sarge eating a dead bird in the back yard. Gross. I got him away from it, took Grace to MDO and then came back to find (please skip this part if you have a queasy stomach) the nasty bird carcass and feathers that he had thrown up all over my living room rug. It actually cleaned up pretty easily but I still think I need some overtime pay for that one. Well, by the time I got home after picking Grace up, there was the poor tiny bird head (and lots of other nastiness) all over the rug in Grace's room. Please remember this is the same rug that Sarge had a poop explosion all over like a week or two before Grace entered the world. :)

And then came the meltdown. About the rug? No. (Well maybe a little about the rug). But mostly about the crazy emotional roller coaster that I've been on over the past month. The thing was just totally not the thing.

But through the ups and downs I've realized that God has done one of those "deep changes" on my heart. It's one of those things that you don't realize is there until you go through what you've been through before... but this time you realize it's different.

What I've seen is that He's taken away the "shock" I used to feel about facing trials. When I used to face difficult times, I would be upset over 2 things:

1. The fact that this is happening to me ("Why me?" I would think, and basically be filled with self-pity)

2. And then whatever the particular trial was

I no longer think "why me?" And it's not because I'm awesome (because we've clearly established that I'm not!), but it's because God has done a work on my heart in this area and I didn't realize it until this most recent trial.

It's not that I'm now a debbie downer, always expecting something bad to come my way, I think I just understand trials better. I believe and understand at a deeper level that trials are God's way of shaping us and molding us and sanctifying us into who He wants us to be. (I obviously "knew" this before with my head, but didn't used to actually feel it with my heart). Somehow, in the midst of these trials God has reminded me that this really is HIS plan. It's not some "unfair" situation. It's not because of Johnny so and so. It's not because I did something wrong. It's because it's His plan and He wants to sanctify me through trials.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I obviously can't say I have "counted it all joy", but I have walked through just the trial this time instead of the "self-pity" and the trial.

Tim Keller says that in the face of trials we need to "relocate our glory." (Yes, I'm quoting someone other than Matt Chandler, aren't you proud?) Meaning that, usually we are looking for our glory and security in something outside of Christ and that often makes the trial even more difficult. Our glory is in Christ and not in anything else. We need to see our trials from the perspective of the Gospel... there is resurrection on the other side of suffering. We must continue walking with Him. Christ not only followed and obeyed God, He followed Him all the way to the grave.

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:8

That is what perfect obedience looks like. If it takes trials and pain and hardship to get us closer to looking like Jesus, then we really should consider it all joy.

(And maybe I should also start praying that I can actually make the thing the thing. Then when I have my breakdowns they will actually be about something legitimate instead of dead bird carcasses.)

Pride Check...

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you feel totally on top of the world?

Honestly, I was having one yesterday. It was one of those good and prideful days where I really felt like Jeff should just pin an award on me and have a little ceremony honoring my mommy skills. The morning went smooth getting Grace to Mother's Days Out. No tantrums, no hang ups, no turn-arounds because we forgot something. Just pure delicious smoothness. After I dropped her off I raced to the gym for some good torture at spin class (it was full, darn it, but I got my own little workout in). I came home to shower and show the house, and then picked Grace up and put her down for her nap. After she went down I got a head start on dinner by prepping a chicken to roast for dinner. I mean, if dinner is prepped ahead of time, you know it's a good day around here! Oh, and can I also throw in the fact that my house was perfectly clean since we also had two showings?! Yeah, just try to stress me out, Tuesday, I've got everything under control around here.

Ok- before I start to annoy myself with all this "bragging" let me just say... I'm sharing this because my thinking is really. just. absolutely. ridiculous.

Does anyone else ever think this way or am I the only crazy prideful person out there? Does it make you want to go post something on Facebook that is kind of about what an awesome mom you are, but not really, so it's not totally like you're bragging, but you can can still get a good "hint" of brag in there? Something like... "Yummm... can't wait to roast the chicken I just prepped for dinner!" But what you're really saying is, "yes, I'm an awesome mom, folks. It's only 1:30 pm and I've got a delicious chicken to pop in the oven before my husband gets home from work. I'll be wearing my cute little apron and will greet him with a wet kiss, a perfect home and a perfect child. Oh, I'm sorry that's not your life... that's too bad." :) (Hmmm... Facebook might get its own post too!)

Ok, so our pride is really what's ridiculous about this whole thing. Do we really think that we deserve the glory for accomplishing these things? (And ok, I realize that the "accomplishments" I've listed above are probably not even considered accomplishments to most people. These are probably things you do everyday without breaking a sweat, but I'm a little behind you and the rest of the world. So please insert whatever accomplishments you find yourself being proud of and let the example work for you.) :)

And what's even more ridiculous, is that most of the time we really actually DO think we deserve the glory! Ha! Let me just go through the list... using my so-called "accomplishments" as an example...

First of all... I woke up yesterday by the grace of God. He does not owe me today. He did not owe me yesterday and He does not owe me tomorrow. My legs and arms and eyes and ears are all working pretty perfectly too. Without such gifts I couldn't have made Grace's lunch, or driven her to MDO, or given her a big hug this morning. I should be on my knees praising His name and thanking Him for the giving me breath today, but I'm pretty sure I just took it for granted instead.

The smoothness of the morning was a gift as well. Anything that I contributed that seemed to make it smooth was by His grace and by the leading of the Holy Spirit. Grace was happy this morning, not because I'm an awesome mom, but because that was His plan for her today.

Oh, what about this? Can I be prideful about the fact that I chose to go the gym? Oh wait, no, because again, He gives me that desire and He gave me my functioning body. I should be praising Him for giving me a body that works and praising Him that I am blessed with the time in my day to exercise. (And while we're on this note... if I'm working out to bring glory to myself then there's another check in the pride box right there. So if I take pride in the fact that I'm working out in order to become prideful about my appearance, then I'm just all kinds of messed up... Did anyone follow that?)

The 3 hours of the day where Grace is at Mother's Day Out is a huge blessing from God that we are able to pay for it. We can only pay for it because God has placed Jeff in the job that he has right now and has given Him certain strengths and abilities. His job could be gone tomorrow and it could last the rest of his life, but either way it's a gift. Jeff doesn't have that job because he's awesome. Any of His "awesomeness" comes from the power of the Holy Spirit working through him. His identity is not in his job (well, I know sometimes it feels like it is, but that's not where it actually is. It is in Christ.) And the only way I even got that darn chicken ready is because of MDO! And MDO is a gift! But somehow I am taking the glory for the chicken!

(Why am I taking glory for a chicken in the first place? It's a chicken. Somehow I've ended up talking way too much about this stinkin' chicken. And I apologize.)

It's kind of difficult to think about some of the things we feel prideful about. I used to not really think of myself as a prideful person because I am also my own worst critic! But I feel like I have been faced with the depth of my pride lately as I am faced with the awesomeness of God.

We can not know God truly and deeply and still be prideful.

We just can't. And like I've said before... I still have a ways to go in truly knowing Him.

I know that some of this might sound negative... like we have no control or say in our lives. Like nothing I do as a mom will change the way my children turn out. Well, we do have free will... obviously, you can go buy a cookies and cream shake from Chick Fil A right now if you want to. (Mmmm...that sounds good). But I wouldn't say that we are in control. We are not in control of whether or not we'll make it there safely. We are not in control of whether or not they will have chocolate shakes available. We are also not in control of how our children turn out. We think we are, but we're really not. God is in control. We are not. Plain and simple.

Obviously, we can still make choices and decisions that are wise and glorifying to God. Feeding your obese child fast food 3 times a day and stating that it's just God will for him to be overweight won't cut it. But on the other hand, when we obsess about what we feed our children and think we are controlling their destiny for a cancer-free life, we are also mistaken. We can not manipulate life to work the way we want it to. (Which is actually a blessing- God's plans for us are MUCH better than the ones we come up with anyway!)

But again, if you think this sounds negative, I'll go ahead and throw in the puncher, and give you my favorite Matt Chandler quote (because no post is complete without some good ole' Matt Chandler)...

"You are not awesome."

It's true. We're not. And if we are offended by that, we have yet to see the depth of God's awesomeness.

"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too in the assembly of the holy ones. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared. He is more awesome than all who surround Him. O Lord God almighty, who is like you?"

-Psalm 89:5-8

As if I didn't realize the depth of my pride enough yesterday, God thought I needed one more kick in the pants today, just to be sure there wasn't any leftover pride running around in that head of mine. Grace was sitting and climbing on a stool at her 18 month appointment this morning while I talked to Dr. Black. I was holding Grace's hand, but let go for a moment to use my hand as I told a story. After I let go, Grace fell backwards off the stool, head first... hitting her head on the cement-like floor and a corner of a wooden table leg all at the same time. It was the bad type of fall. The type that takes a doctor by surprise and makes her check my poor baby's head. I'm pretty sure she wanted to check mine too.

Good thing God is way more awesome than me.

Convenient or Crazy?

I just visited the "Chronicles of a Babywise Mom" blog for the first time in maybe a year or so. I actually did find some of her information helpful when trying to get the whole sleeping thing down, but I also got really stressed out by her perfection, her attention to detail, her lists, and her "perfect" answer to every possible parenting question you could ever imagine. I learned that the trick is to read her blog with a grain of salt and only take the information you find helpful. If you sit there comparing yourself to her, you will stress out! (And if we actually think we can control everything about our children's lives, we are sorely mistaken... but that, my friends, is for another post).

Well, I am currently on a search for some good discipline books/blogs/information. I just want to make sure that we are consistent and have a plan and aren't always changing it up on Grace and confusing her when it comes to discipline. I honestly think that is what gets me the most distraught during our little episodes... I want to make sure I'm doing the "right" thing to discipline her. But then I also I know that there basically is no right thing. Every book will tell you something different, but I just want to read as much as possible and form my own personal convictions about what I'm doing.

So... along my search I came across Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. I found this as one of her most recent posts:

Planning Your Schedule for Multiple Children

As I'm reading it, I have a mixture of emotions. At first, I'm thinking that it's awesome. I want to start making my list and planning things out to perfection each day of my life for forever.

Then I'm thinking, wait, maybe this is THE most insane thing I've ever read in my life. Did you just tell me to plan my day out in 30 minute intervals? And this is so I can be "flexible" with it? I'm just confused now.

I am sure this idea gets some of you Type A people all excited and giddy and ready to go color coordinate your life in 30 minute intervals.

And then you Type B people are just turned off by the ridiculousness of it all, not even understanding the need for planning more than an hour or two in advance for anything, ever.

Honestly, I think at this point in my life I fall somewhere in between. I used to be pretty Type B and still definitely have some of those B personality traits. I am proud of the fact that I now usually know what is coming up in the week ahead (thanks only to my Cozi app, but still, I know!) :) But becoming a mom has shifted me a little more towards Type A, which I think was probably a good thing for me! It is honestly easier and more enjoyable having some structure to our day (and good for Grace too)! I've always liked structure, but until Grace I wasn't very good at implementing it upon myself. :)

But if I'm being honest, I think the reason her plan/prison schedule is kind of unappealing to me is because I would literally go completely crazy if we got off track. Like, my whole day would be thrown off if I had this laminated, color-coded schedule on the fridge and then we didn't stick to it. ("What!?! We're supposed to be having structured playtime and we're still eating lunch!! Everyone onto structured playtime NOW!!") So maybe that's why I'm turned off by it? Maybe I am more Type A than I think?

So, for now I guess I'll hold my judgment on her "plan," mainly because, well, I don't have multiple children. What if I just shift a little more towards my Type A side with each child? I could be color coding and laminating like a crazy person in a few years... ya never know!

So, I'm curious... what are your initial thoughts on her "plan"... convenient or crazy? And are you typically Type A or Type B?

(Yes, participation required!) :)

My 9 Drafts

I currently have 9, yes, nine blog posts sitting in blogger saved as drafts. I have this issue with starting things and not finishing them. Or with finishing them and thinking they're not perfect enough. So then even though they are finished, they are not actually finished to me because they're not perfect. Usually I see this crazy perfectionism as annoying because I leave a lot of things unfinished, but I think in this case it's actually (kind of) a good thing.

I think blogging is so good for me... as I write and wrestle with different topics, I realize how much I don't know. There are things that I think I get, but as I try to write it out I realize that I'm not sure it's actually biblical. I've really been tested lately with something Matt Chandler said in a podcast of his (I honestly don't remember which one... Colossians maybe?) But he said this...

"I don't care what you think, I care what the Bible says."

That may seem like a simple truth, but I have felt convicted about this because of the way I often approach the Bible. If there is a verse that I don't necessarily like or one that makes God look "mean," I try to find a way to justify it or "explain it away." For some reason I think that God needs me to defend Him, that He needs me to dress Him up and make Him look "nice." I've been really convicted about coming to know the God of the Bible... the FULL character of God... His mercy, His wrath, His love, His grace, His judgment, His kindness, His justice, His peace... His everything.

Do you know that God?

Yes, He did destroy everything on earth with a flood (Genesis 6-7), He sent plagues (Exodus 7-12), He gave the men of Israel over to the men of Judah where 500,000 were killed (2 Chronicles). We could go on and on about stories of the Bible that don't seem "right." "It doesn't seem like a loving God would do those things," we might think.

Well He did. Are you ok with that? Do you understand why? Do you get the big picture of the Bible? And if you don't, can you wrestle through it with Him? Do you know the full nature and character of God? Or do you just know "Easter Bunny Jesus," as Matt Chandler calls him? (Sorry, I steal his phrases left and right!) But basically, do you invent this idea of God in your head that is only "nice" and is what you want Him to be?

We can't make God out to be who we think He should be... otherwise we are worshiping an idol. He is who He is. We can't "enhance" Him as we talk to others about Him... we can't control how people feel about God, we can only talk about who He really is. I'm trying to make sure I only talk about the God of the Bible, and in order to do so, I need to know the God of the Bible. I'm questioning the things that I often assume about God and making sure they are actually Biblical.

And I have a long way to go.

And so I sit, with my 9 blogger drafts... wanting them to be perfectly Biblical, wrestling with what is Biblical, and honestly sometimes just being too lazy to try and figure it out.

I wonder how many drafts we all have going. How many things have we assumed about God... how many things have we held on to about God to make ourselves feel better, to make others feel better or to make God look good. And how many things are we just being lazy about? How much of Him do we not know because we simply have not tried to know?

Let's continue to edit our drafts about God, whatever they might be, so that they conform with the Bible. Let's stop assuming and start reading, so that we actually know Him... and his full character... plagues and floods and wars and all...

And as I said, I have a long way to go.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." - 1 John 5:21-22

Anyone else...

... have tears in their eyes after watching this?

I read this definition of parenting the the other day. I had to read it a couple times (but maybe I'm just slow that way). I thought it was beautiful...

"You fulfill yourself by denying yourself, preparing the people you can't live without to live without you."

(Crazy U by Andrew Ferguson)

The Cul de Sac of Stupidity

I'm completely stealing another thought/idea/clever phrase from Matt Chandler... I should probably dedicate this blog to him, or pay him copyright fees, or maybe I should just get my own material. I'm not sure. While I am totally stealing his phrase, I did want to expand on it a little bit more.

It's called... the "Cul de Sac of Stupidity." Yes, maybe it's a little harsh and yes, he's kind of calling our thinking process "stupid," but that's really what it is. I'll try to break it down...

Ultimately, only God alone can satisfy us, right? He alone is to be praised. He alone is worthy. He alone is God. He is the only one who can satisfy us with a real and deep satisfaction. Think about how often you feel satisfied (or what you think is satisfied) through your children, your spouse, your friends, your possessions, your beautiful home, your new car smell car, your boat, your smokin' hot body or your perfect hair. The thing is, none of those (no, not even your precious children) are able to truly and deeply satisfy you. If you try to let these things satisfy you, you always go searching for "more" because they always fall short of God.

You've probably heard this concept before. But I think it's something we tend to forget, and if you look at the way we think, live, or act, it's obvious that we forget this.

So where does the cul de sac of stupidity come in? Well, our 4 year old car doesn't satisfy us anymore, so we get a new one. Our iPhone just isn't cutting it anymore so we need the newer one. Our hairstyle is a little boring so we need a new one. Our daughter's clothes just aren't quite cute enough so let's buy her some more. He also comments on the fact that most things we buy are things we already have. I thought this was so interesting and so true! I was listening to it right after I bought Jeff a Keurig coffee maker for Father's Day and I was like, yup, we already had a coffee maker!

We are stuck in the cul de sac of stupidity, going round and round, trying the same thing over and over to satisfy us. And it doesn't. So what do we do? Look to The Source of Eternal Satisfaction? No! We try out some more "new" things! And we really think that the "next thing" might actually satisfy us for more than .5 seconds this time. See how silly it is?

But some of us might feel like we've escaped the cul de sac of stupidity because we don't always have to have the best car or phone or clothes or house or whatever. We might be feeling good and prideful about the fact that we aren't super materialistic, that we know how to draw financial limits for ourselves. But there are plenty of other ways to get stuck in this "cul de sac"...

Maybe I'm just making this up, but I feel like our generation isn't quite as materialistic as the previous one. (Or maybe it's because I now live in Temple instead of Dallas?) I just tend to come across a lot more people in my generation that actually realize that their identity is not found in "things." What I feel like is happening though is that we're having the same "heart issue" but expressing it in a different way. Maybe you're not finding your satisfaction in your granite countertops, but are you finding your satisfaction in how "good" of a person you think you are, in how much you volunteer, in how much you accomplish in 24 hours, in how awesome of a mom you are, in how awesome of a wife you are... or even... in how good you are at following God's commands, or how often you read your Bible.

Please notice that I'm using "reading your Bible" and "following God's commands" as parallel examples to "needing a new car." Yes, I'm really doing that. And I'll tell you why.

It's all about the heart behind these actions. Obviously needing a new car and reading your Bible are not in and of themselves bad things. But our identity and our satisfaction is in Christ, and Christ alone. If we feel good about ourselves for volunteering or reading our Bible or following God's law, it's no different than feeling good about yourself because of the ferrari that you drive or the 5 carat diamond ring that sport. Isn't it ironic that we judge wealthy people for finding their satisfaction in "things," when our heart is actually doing the same thing, just with something other than a 5 carat diamond ring (well, maybe you have a 5 carat ring... ;)).

If we are finding our ultimate satisfaction outside of Him, no matter what it is in, it doesn't last and it's not real. We go around and around the cul de sac of stupidity trying to volunteer more, read our Bible more, or be "better" at following God's commands. We are kind of trying to satisfy ourselves with our "goodness."

We often do these things to feel better about ourselves instead of to bring honor and glory to God.

It's basically saying, God, I don't need you. I can be a "good" person by my own effort. I can help people. I can memorize Scripture. I can "earn" your favor and become deserving of your grace.

But we can't. We miss the whole purpose of the cross if we think we can earn it or deserve it because it's absolutely free...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8-9.

We can't work for it and we can't play a part in salvation. It's from Him.

We typically have a really difficult time accepting things for free so we start to work for them. Do you realize what we are saying when we are trying to work for salvation? We are saying that Christ's work wasn't enough. That we have to add something to it. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

So let's try to identify the "Cul de Sacs of Stupidity" that we're stuck in, hand them over to Him, and take residence on just a good old, narrow residential street... that looks a lot like His path for our lives.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

Ultimate Desires...

What are your ultimate desires for your children? After several weeks of thinking in circles through various issues, I've had to ask myself this question over and over. I've realized that if you were to look at the things most of us actually spend our time talking about, it would appear as though our ultimate desires are for our children to...

Go to the best schools

Make good grades

Be the best in their class (or at least better than 90%) ;)

Be awesome athletes

Have a wide range of opportunities

Have good friends

Go to college

Get a great job

Be "successful" (whatever that means!)

Get married

Have children

Etc.

While none of these things are necessarily evil desires, they have been making me think. We've been sorting through this whole school thing a little early because our house is for sale so we are taking into consideration what school district we'll move into. As I've been asking around for advice, here are some of the pros and cons I hear about various schools...

"School A is smaller so your child has a better chance at being in the top 10% and excelling in sports."

"I sent my son to School B and when he went to college he was absolutely not prepared."

"School C has gangs and a higher rate of teenage pregnancy."

As I've thought over these things and tried to kind of make some sort of a decision for where our 16 month old might possibly go to kindergarten, I've tried to back up and ask... what is our ultimate goal? What is our ultimate desire for Grace and our other child(ren)?

Very simply, it is that they would love Christ, and be captivated by Him each and every day...both in the seemingly menial tasks and the seemingly important tasks. That they would have a deep love for His people and spend their time serving instead of judging. That they would follow where He leads and that they would desire to walk with Him. Ultimately, that they would glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

So, if that is really our ultimate desire, how does this play out as we try to make a decision about school districts? I honestly don't know. I wish I had an answer because then I would have the answer to where we should move. But through all of this, I have learned that all the menial things we try to control are pretty ridiculous. God can "educate" my child through a teen mom. God can "educate" my child by not giving them a spot in the top 10%. God can "educate" my child by not providing an immediate job for them. It just depends on how we define education.

(Ok, obviously, OBVIOUSLY, I'm not suggesting that we all try to put our kids in the most difficult situations ever and pray that God teaches them through it. I'm not saying that I hope Grace is at the bottom of her class or that I hope she has wild friends, or that I hope she isn't prepared for college so that God can teach her. Obviously. But just in case you really think that I'm that crazy, I wanted to clarify.)

I'm just reminding myself of what is really important as we sort through this decision. I hope we can come back to these basics desires as we continue to make these types of decision in the future.

This prayer has been written in the front of my Bible since college. I didn't write it, and I don't know where it's from. (I'm probably breaking some copyright laws here.) It's a prayer that I hope will will truly reflect the desire of my heart a little more each time I pray it...

"Lord, I give up all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever. Amen."

It takes a lot of faith to pray that God would work out His will in my life "at any cost." I think it takes even more faith to pray that prayer for Grace. What if Him working out His will means that she doesn't go to college, or that she doesn't get married, or even... that her time on this earth would be shorter than we "expect." As much as it pains me to even type those words...

Are we actually able to pray that God would work out His perfect will in the life of our family at any cost? And do we really mean it? Is our ultimate desire for Grace really that she would glorify God and enjoy Him forever? And do our actions and decisions reflect that?

Just some light thinking for your Sunday evening... :)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28