Owned by a Toddler

Grace completely owned me today. Owned me, schooled me, had her way with me, beat me into a little pulp and went on with her pretty little day. In more ways than one. Seriously.

The day started with some good "clean" fun with a swiffer. (Yes, I went there with the "clean" joke). I bent down near her to do something and she accidentally jabbed the handle into my face. It actually really hurt so I reacted with a big "Owww!!" (First mistake). Well of course she thought me screaming "owww!!" was really funny so she immediately jabbed the stinkin' handle right back at me for another reaction... only this time right into my eye. I was about to cry from the pain. No signs of a black eye yet, but one definitely might be coming.

Any day that begins with a swiffer handle in your eye can only get better, right? Or so I thought. (2nd mistake)

Then we were off to a play date at a splash pad/park in Belton that we had never been to before. When we pulled up I thought it looked amazing, and it was actually. But all Grace wanted to do was climb up a really tall slide and then slide back down. She was literally giving me a heart attack every time she got close to the top because, well... she has a little clumsiness in her genes and I could just picture her tumbling down the slide. (Or over the side of the slide or all of the above.)

We survived that (barely) but then we were at the splash pad and Grace wanders off behind me (heading to the playground I think) (3rd mistake) and when I turn my head to double check that that's where she was going, she was nowhere to be found. The street is super close to the park so I had a mini heart attack. I looked behind the bathrooms and didn't see her and I go into that crazy (but innate) panic mom mode. This is actually the first time in Grace's 19 months of life that I've ever had that "where is my child?" freak out. You try to keep the panic within and act calm, but then you realize that in numbers you have a greater chance of finding her, so you scream out (while trying not to sound too crazy) "where on earth is my child!!! Oh my gosh, does anyone see her???" (To my defense, there is a huge part of the street that you can't see because of the bathrooms so I was worried she was in the street. Why I didn't run back there, I'm not sure. Screaming seemed like the better option in the moment). Right as her mother was going into cardiac arrest, Grace casually struts her stuff right on out of the women's bathroom. Ha. Owned that mom of mine again.

We left to go eat lunch (not without a few more minor incidents) at Bodega Bean, a cute little coffee/sandwich shop. It's not really set up for kids, it's more for lounging, so the girls got to sit in big girl chairs. This is never good for us. Grace was eating a big cup of fruit and kept dropping some on the ground, getting out of her chair and trying to eat it. Each germ-ridden piece of fruit that I tried to get to would result in a scream/meltdown/kicking fest. Pretty sure she ate a piece or two off the ground. Towards the end of lunch she was behaving pretty well so I was caught up in conversation a little bit, until an older lady sitting next to us came right over to our table, picked up Grace's cup of fruit which was 2 inches from my foot and told me that all the fruit had spilled to the ground and she had been eating it. Thank you, sweet woman, for obviously caring more for my child than I did in the moment. Along with my heart of gratitude, was sheer embarrassment for being that mom that someone has to "lend a hand to" because they have no clue what is going on with their child. Yeah... I've totally judged these kinds of moms before. (And I'm totally getting another lesson on humility... which pretty much happens daily around here now).

I think as moms we can't help but to base our level of "success" as a mom on our child's behavior (and on our own behavior in response to them). If Johnny is a good boy, then he must have a great mom. I am not going to lie, I definitely had a couple of those "what am I doing wrong?" thoughts today. (Grace- this is totally not offensive towards you- I'm pretty sure you are just a normal toddler and your mom is just a first time mom and doesn't know anything).

I started reading a new book recently called "Show them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus." I love the message of the book, which is basically that we have changed the story of the Bible, which is a story of grace, into a book of rules and moralistic teachings. We use the Bible to tell our kids how they should behave instead of allowing it to point to the grace that our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us.

Obviously God lays out desirable behaviors for us in His word, but this is not its primary message. Instead of using the Bible to tell our children what they should be doing, we need to make these stories about remembering. Remembering the work of Christ and not focusing on the work of our children (or ourselves).

"The good news about Jesus's obedience and shameful death is the only motif that will grant our children a heart to obey."

Obedience comes from a changed heart. The longer we try to turn our children into behaving robots (or become behaving robots ourselves) the further we are pushing ourselves away from the true message of the Gospel.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm preaching this message because I obviously did not have a "behaving robot" on my hands today and I'm trying to make myself feel better. Ha... ok, maybe a little bit. But really, I'm trying to remind myself of these truths.

I am not valued by my behavior, by my success as a mother or by my ability to keep it all together while in public with a toddler that is owning me... over and over and over.

And I will not teach my children that their value comes from their behaviors either. But obviously, "behaving" on and adult level and a toddler level are important as well. I just don't know what else to say about that, but I'll let you know when I figure it all out.

But for now, I think I'll strut around town with my black eye, bragging about the fact that neither myself nor my child are behaving robots, thank ya very much!

New Sprout TV Stars

Grace has a new obsession with Sprout TV. Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning I'll wheel Grace's highchair into our room and let her eat breakfast while watching Sprout. Parts of it are definitely annoying, I'm not going to lie. (No offense, Grace). And almost every time I watch it I can't help but think...

What if this was my job....

And what if this was Jeff's job...

Would you (could you) still be our friend? :)

When The Thing is Not The Thing

Do you ever have those breakdowns about the thing that is not the thing?

This is pretty much how I operate 100% of the time. The thing is never the thing.

I remember during seminary finals I was stressed to the max. Studying like crazy, but still feeling a little dumb. Not getting as much sleep as I needed (which messes with my head) and just straight up stressed. The funny thing is, I felt like I was handling the stress pretty well. Until I pulled up to our house after my last final (yes, I was DONE!), and as I was getting out of my car I hit my head on the top of the door.

And the tears started to flow. Right there in the street.

About hitting my head? No. Not at all. See, the thing was totally not the thing.

Without getting into too many details for now, the last month has been stressful in many ways with a lot of ups and downs. I've spent time in prayer and have felt like I've been "ok" with the way things have been. Until today... when I found Sarge eating a dead bird in the back yard. Gross. I got him away from it, took Grace to MDO and then came back to find (please skip this part if you have a queasy stomach) the nasty bird carcass and feathers that he had thrown up all over my living room rug. It actually cleaned up pretty easily but I still think I need some overtime pay for that one. Well, by the time I got home after picking Grace up, there was the poor tiny bird head (and lots of other nastiness) all over the rug in Grace's room. Please remember this is the same rug that Sarge had a poop explosion all over like a week or two before Grace entered the world. :)

And then came the meltdown. About the rug? No. (Well maybe a little about the rug). But mostly about the crazy emotional roller coaster that I've been on over the past month. The thing was just totally not the thing.

But through the ups and downs I've realized that God has done one of those "deep changes" on my heart. It's one of those things that you don't realize is there until you go through what you've been through before... but this time you realize it's different.

What I've seen is that He's taken away the "shock" I used to feel about facing trials. When I used to face difficult times, I would be upset over 2 things:

1. The fact that this is happening to me ("Why me?" I would think, and basically be filled with self-pity)

2. And then whatever the particular trial was

I no longer think "why me?" And it's not because I'm awesome (because we've clearly established that I'm not!), but it's because God has done a work on my heart in this area and I didn't realize it until this most recent trial.

It's not that I'm now a debbie downer, always expecting something bad to come my way, I think I just understand trials better. I believe and understand at a deeper level that trials are God's way of shaping us and molding us and sanctifying us into who He wants us to be. (I obviously "knew" this before with my head, but didn't used to actually feel it with my heart). Somehow, in the midst of these trials God has reminded me that this really is HIS plan. It's not some "unfair" situation. It's not because of Johnny so and so. It's not because I did something wrong. It's because it's His plan and He wants to sanctify me through trials.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I obviously can't say I have "counted it all joy", but I have walked through just the trial this time instead of the "self-pity" and the trial.

Tim Keller says that in the face of trials we need to "relocate our glory." (Yes, I'm quoting someone other than Matt Chandler, aren't you proud?) Meaning that, usually we are looking for our glory and security in something outside of Christ and that often makes the trial even more difficult. Our glory is in Christ and not in anything else. We need to see our trials from the perspective of the Gospel... there is resurrection on the other side of suffering. We must continue walking with Him. Christ not only followed and obeyed God, He followed Him all the way to the grave.

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:8

That is what perfect obedience looks like. If it takes trials and pain and hardship to get us closer to looking like Jesus, then we really should consider it all joy.

(And maybe I should also start praying that I can actually make the thing the thing. Then when I have my breakdowns they will actually be about something legitimate instead of dead bird carcasses.)

Pride Check...

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you feel totally on top of the world?

Honestly, I was having one yesterday. It was one of those good and prideful days where I really felt like Jeff should just pin an award on me and have a little ceremony honoring my mommy skills. The morning went smooth getting Grace to Mother's Days Out. No tantrums, no hang ups, no turn-arounds because we forgot something. Just pure delicious smoothness. After I dropped her off I raced to the gym for some good torture at spin class (it was full, darn it, but I got my own little workout in). I came home to shower and show the house, and then picked Grace up and put her down for her nap. After she went down I got a head start on dinner by prepping a chicken to roast for dinner. I mean, if dinner is prepped ahead of time, you know it's a good day around here! Oh, and can I also throw in the fact that my house was perfectly clean since we also had two showings?! Yeah, just try to stress me out, Tuesday, I've got everything under control around here.

Ok- before I start to annoy myself with all this "bragging" let me just say... I'm sharing this because my thinking is really. just. absolutely. ridiculous.

Does anyone else ever think this way or am I the only crazy prideful person out there? Does it make you want to go post something on Facebook that is kind of about what an awesome mom you are, but not really, so it's not totally like you're bragging, but you can can still get a good "hint" of brag in there? Something like... "Yummm... can't wait to roast the chicken I just prepped for dinner!" But what you're really saying is, "yes, I'm an awesome mom, folks. It's only 1:30 pm and I've got a delicious chicken to pop in the oven before my husband gets home from work. I'll be wearing my cute little apron and will greet him with a wet kiss, a perfect home and a perfect child. Oh, I'm sorry that's not your life... that's too bad." :) (Hmmm... Facebook might get its own post too!)

Ok, so our pride is really what's ridiculous about this whole thing. Do we really think that we deserve the glory for accomplishing these things? (And ok, I realize that the "accomplishments" I've listed above are probably not even considered accomplishments to most people. These are probably things you do everyday without breaking a sweat, but I'm a little behind you and the rest of the world. So please insert whatever accomplishments you find yourself being proud of and let the example work for you.) :)

And what's even more ridiculous, is that most of the time we really actually DO think we deserve the glory! Ha! Let me just go through the list... using my so-called "accomplishments" as an example...

First of all... I woke up yesterday by the grace of God. He does not owe me today. He did not owe me yesterday and He does not owe me tomorrow. My legs and arms and eyes and ears are all working pretty perfectly too. Without such gifts I couldn't have made Grace's lunch, or driven her to MDO, or given her a big hug this morning. I should be on my knees praising His name and thanking Him for the giving me breath today, but I'm pretty sure I just took it for granted instead.

The smoothness of the morning was a gift as well. Anything that I contributed that seemed to make it smooth was by His grace and by the leading of the Holy Spirit. Grace was happy this morning, not because I'm an awesome mom, but because that was His plan for her today.

Oh, what about this? Can I be prideful about the fact that I chose to go the gym? Oh wait, no, because again, He gives me that desire and He gave me my functioning body. I should be praising Him for giving me a body that works and praising Him that I am blessed with the time in my day to exercise. (And while we're on this note... if I'm working out to bring glory to myself then there's another check in the pride box right there. So if I take pride in the fact that I'm working out in order to become prideful about my appearance, then I'm just all kinds of messed up... Did anyone follow that?)

The 3 hours of the day where Grace is at Mother's Day Out is a huge blessing from God that we are able to pay for it. We can only pay for it because God has placed Jeff in the job that he has right now and has given Him certain strengths and abilities. His job could be gone tomorrow and it could last the rest of his life, but either way it's a gift. Jeff doesn't have that job because he's awesome. Any of His "awesomeness" comes from the power of the Holy Spirit working through him. His identity is not in his job (well, I know sometimes it feels like it is, but that's not where it actually is. It is in Christ.) And the only way I even got that darn chicken ready is because of MDO! And MDO is a gift! But somehow I am taking the glory for the chicken!

(Why am I taking glory for a chicken in the first place? It's a chicken. Somehow I've ended up talking way too much about this stinkin' chicken. And I apologize.)

It's kind of difficult to think about some of the things we feel prideful about. I used to not really think of myself as a prideful person because I am also my own worst critic! But I feel like I have been faced with the depth of my pride lately as I am faced with the awesomeness of God.

We can not know God truly and deeply and still be prideful.

We just can't. And like I've said before... I still have a ways to go in truly knowing Him.

I know that some of this might sound negative... like we have no control or say in our lives. Like nothing I do as a mom will change the way my children turn out. Well, we do have free will... obviously, you can go buy a cookies and cream shake from Chick Fil A right now if you want to. (Mmmm...that sounds good). But I wouldn't say that we are in control. We are not in control of whether or not we'll make it there safely. We are not in control of whether or not they will have chocolate shakes available. We are also not in control of how our children turn out. We think we are, but we're really not. God is in control. We are not. Plain and simple.

Obviously, we can still make choices and decisions that are wise and glorifying to God. Feeding your obese child fast food 3 times a day and stating that it's just God will for him to be overweight won't cut it. But on the other hand, when we obsess about what we feed our children and think we are controlling their destiny for a cancer-free life, we are also mistaken. We can not manipulate life to work the way we want it to. (Which is actually a blessing- God's plans for us are MUCH better than the ones we come up with anyway!)

But again, if you think this sounds negative, I'll go ahead and throw in the puncher, and give you my favorite Matt Chandler quote (because no post is complete without some good ole' Matt Chandler)...

"You are not awesome."

It's true. We're not. And if we are offended by that, we have yet to see the depth of God's awesomeness.

"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too in the assembly of the holy ones. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared. He is more awesome than all who surround Him. O Lord God almighty, who is like you?"

-Psalm 89:5-8

As if I didn't realize the depth of my pride enough yesterday, God thought I needed one more kick in the pants today, just to be sure there wasn't any leftover pride running around in that head of mine. Grace was sitting and climbing on a stool at her 18 month appointment this morning while I talked to Dr. Black. I was holding Grace's hand, but let go for a moment to use my hand as I told a story. After I let go, Grace fell backwards off the stool, head first... hitting her head on the cement-like floor and a corner of a wooden table leg all at the same time. It was the bad type of fall. The type that takes a doctor by surprise and makes her check my poor baby's head. I'm pretty sure she wanted to check mine too.

Good thing God is way more awesome than me.

Convenient or Crazy?

I just visited the "Chronicles of a Babywise Mom" blog for the first time in maybe a year or so. I actually did find some of her information helpful when trying to get the whole sleeping thing down, but I also got really stressed out by her perfection, her attention to detail, her lists, and her "perfect" answer to every possible parenting question you could ever imagine. I learned that the trick is to read her blog with a grain of salt and only take the information you find helpful. If you sit there comparing yourself to her, you will stress out! (And if we actually think we can control everything about our children's lives, we are sorely mistaken... but that, my friends, is for another post).

Well, I am currently on a search for some good discipline books/blogs/information. I just want to make sure that we are consistent and have a plan and aren't always changing it up on Grace and confusing her when it comes to discipline. I honestly think that is what gets me the most distraught during our little episodes... I want to make sure I'm doing the "right" thing to discipline her. But then I also I know that there basically is no right thing. Every book will tell you something different, but I just want to read as much as possible and form my own personal convictions about what I'm doing.

So... along my search I came across Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. I found this as one of her most recent posts:

Planning Your Schedule for Multiple Children

As I'm reading it, I have a mixture of emotions. At first, I'm thinking that it's awesome. I want to start making my list and planning things out to perfection each day of my life for forever.

Then I'm thinking, wait, maybe this is THE most insane thing I've ever read in my life. Did you just tell me to plan my day out in 30 minute intervals? And this is so I can be "flexible" with it? I'm just confused now.

I am sure this idea gets some of you Type A people all excited and giddy and ready to go color coordinate your life in 30 minute intervals.

And then you Type B people are just turned off by the ridiculousness of it all, not even understanding the need for planning more than an hour or two in advance for anything, ever.

Honestly, I think at this point in my life I fall somewhere in between. I used to be pretty Type B and still definitely have some of those B personality traits. I am proud of the fact that I now usually know what is coming up in the week ahead (thanks only to my Cozi app, but still, I know!) :) But becoming a mom has shifted me a little more towards Type A, which I think was probably a good thing for me! It is honestly easier and more enjoyable having some structure to our day (and good for Grace too)! I've always liked structure, but until Grace I wasn't very good at implementing it upon myself. :)

But if I'm being honest, I think the reason her plan/prison schedule is kind of unappealing to me is because I would literally go completely crazy if we got off track. Like, my whole day would be thrown off if I had this laminated, color-coded schedule on the fridge and then we didn't stick to it. ("What!?! We're supposed to be having structured playtime and we're still eating lunch!! Everyone onto structured playtime NOW!!") So maybe that's why I'm turned off by it? Maybe I am more Type A than I think?

So, for now I guess I'll hold my judgment on her "plan," mainly because, well, I don't have multiple children. What if I just shift a little more towards my Type A side with each child? I could be color coding and laminating like a crazy person in a few years... ya never know!

So, I'm curious... what are your initial thoughts on her "plan"... convenient or crazy? And are you typically Type A or Type B?

(Yes, participation required!) :)

My 9 Drafts

I currently have 9, yes, nine blog posts sitting in blogger saved as drafts. I have this issue with starting things and not finishing them. Or with finishing them and thinking they're not perfect enough. So then even though they are finished, they are not actually finished to me because they're not perfect. Usually I see this crazy perfectionism as annoying because I leave a lot of things unfinished, but I think in this case it's actually (kind of) a good thing.

I think blogging is so good for me... as I write and wrestle with different topics, I realize how much I don't know. There are things that I think I get, but as I try to write it out I realize that I'm not sure it's actually biblical. I've really been tested lately with something Matt Chandler said in a podcast of his (I honestly don't remember which one... Colossians maybe?) But he said this...

"I don't care what you think, I care what the Bible says."

That may seem like a simple truth, but I have felt convicted about this because of the way I often approach the Bible. If there is a verse that I don't necessarily like or one that makes God look "mean," I try to find a way to justify it or "explain it away." For some reason I think that God needs me to defend Him, that He needs me to dress Him up and make Him look "nice." I've been really convicted about coming to know the God of the Bible... the FULL character of God... His mercy, His wrath, His love, His grace, His judgment, His kindness, His justice, His peace... His everything.

Do you know that God?

Yes, He did destroy everything on earth with a flood (Genesis 6-7), He sent plagues (Exodus 7-12), He gave the men of Israel over to the men of Judah where 500,000 were killed (2 Chronicles). We could go on and on about stories of the Bible that don't seem "right." "It doesn't seem like a loving God would do those things," we might think.

Well He did. Are you ok with that? Do you understand why? Do you get the big picture of the Bible? And if you don't, can you wrestle through it with Him? Do you know the full nature and character of God? Or do you just know "Easter Bunny Jesus," as Matt Chandler calls him? (Sorry, I steal his phrases left and right!) But basically, do you invent this idea of God in your head that is only "nice" and is what you want Him to be?

We can't make God out to be who we think He should be... otherwise we are worshiping an idol. He is who He is. We can't "enhance" Him as we talk to others about Him... we can't control how people feel about God, we can only talk about who He really is. I'm trying to make sure I only talk about the God of the Bible, and in order to do so, I need to know the God of the Bible. I'm questioning the things that I often assume about God and making sure they are actually Biblical.

And I have a long way to go.

And so I sit, with my 9 blogger drafts... wanting them to be perfectly Biblical, wrestling with what is Biblical, and honestly sometimes just being too lazy to try and figure it out.

I wonder how many drafts we all have going. How many things have we assumed about God... how many things have we held on to about God to make ourselves feel better, to make others feel better or to make God look good. And how many things are we just being lazy about? How much of Him do we not know because we simply have not tried to know?

Let's continue to edit our drafts about God, whatever they might be, so that they conform with the Bible. Let's stop assuming and start reading, so that we actually know Him... and his full character... plagues and floods and wars and all...

And as I said, I have a long way to go.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." - 1 John 5:21-22

Anyone else...

... have tears in their eyes after watching this?

I read this definition of parenting the the other day. I had to read it a couple times (but maybe I'm just slow that way). I thought it was beautiful...

"You fulfill yourself by denying yourself, preparing the people you can't live without to live without you."

(Crazy U by Andrew Ferguson)