2011 Reflections

I don't often reflect on years as a whole. Something about looking back at an entire year is a little overwhelming to me, but since years seem to fly by as we get older, I have spent the past week or so doing some "yearly reflecting." It actually takes me to time to reflect ("reflect" is such a earthy/counseling/yoga word, I know, but I'm using it). 

I don't think I instantly remember things like most people. Like when someone asks me how our weekend was, I am usually totally unprepared to answer that because it takes me like 5 minutes to remember what we did. 

But... If I'm being totally honest about this year (and you know I will be!), our circumstances in 2011 have been pretty challenging. I feel like I was constantly asking for prayer, and probably could have asked for prayer for like twice the things I did. Sometimes it was small but frustrating things, other times it was big and devastating things. We cried, we got mad, we laughed, we prayed, we talked, and we dealt with everything the best we knew how. I've alluded to this before, but I'll do it again because I feel it even more now at the end of the year...

This suffering has been different. 

Not different like we enjoy it, but different like God has given us His perspective and peace in the midst of it. He has taught us how to just be sad, how to just be angry, how to just cry out to Him, stomp our feet and tell Him how unfair we think life is sometimes. I feel like I can be honest before God like I didn't used to know how to do, and there is freedom in that.

The trials that 2011 have brought have not taken away our joy because our joy is not based in our circumstances. Our joy is not based in our children or in our families or in our homes or our cars or our money or our friends. Our joy is found in Him. And since He does not change, our joy is unwavering.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying I always feel joyful. We don't skip through fields of daisies holding hands and thanking the Lord for these amazing trials. We cry and we get mad and we ask questions. (And I still let "the thing that is not the thing" take over in me!) At times I want to run away from God when things get hard instead of running to Him. But then I remember the overwhelming peace and understanding I gain from spending time with Him. There is just no shortcut to true peace and understanding.

So yes, underneath the tears and the anger there is a "peace that surpasses all understanding." (Philippians 4:7) I understand that verse more deeply than I used to. How can we have peace when our circumstances are unbearable? Exactly... that is the question of all questions.. it surpasses all understanding. It's from HIM and not of ourselves, so of course it surpasses all understanding. It makes no sense to our finite minds, and that is what makes it beautiful.

Also please don't get me wrong again... in 2011 we have been BLESSED. Blessed beyond belief. I will probably sound trite and repetitive if I try to list all the ways we are blessed, but we know we are and we don't forget that. I'm grateful the Lord has taught me to realize that being blessed and facing trials are not mutually exclusive. Like I said, I actually had to sit down and think about 2011 to realize that we had faced a lot of difficult things. 

I think "God is good" is a phrase that is used so much that we often forget what the words really mean. Something goes our way and we say, "Wow, God is good." Which is true. But sometimes we forget that if things don't go our way God is still good. His goodness doesn't change based on our circumstances. His character doesn't change based on our circumstances... but OURS does. Our character is molded and shaped by His hands (more so through trials, I believe). So maybe that is why He gives us trials to face. Maybe He wants us to come to the point where we realize our humanness, our sinfulness, our inability to "make it" on our own. And maybe, just maybe, we'll even learn this for real... even when we're going through the good times. After all, that is the message of the gospel.

So I go into 2012 praying for fun and laughter and time spent enjoying all of God's blessings, but also praying for joy in whatever comes our way...

I know there'll be days when life brings me pain

but if that's what it takes to praise you

Jesus, bring the rain.

-Mercy Me

Immanuel... God With Us

Advent: God With Us from The Village Church on Vimeo.

Advent means "coming." Christ is coming! During this Advent season we anxiously await his second coming while reflecting on His first coming. We have SO much to be thankful for! As Matt Chandler says, the tricky part is keeping our focus on the "Substance and not the shadows" during this Christmas season. Christ is the substance. He came already and will come again. He is our King. He is our God. He came as fully man and fully God. He is our High Priest. Our Savior. Our Counselor. Our All in All. He is the Holy One. He is the substance.

The gifts and the family time and the wonderful food and the shopping and the Christmas parties and the cookies and the crafts and the Christmas cards are the shadows. They are shadows of Him. They are meant to point us to Him and to draw us to our knees in worship of Him. They are good and they are fun and they are enjoyable, but they are not the ultimate Substance of this season. We know that only the Substance satisfies. If we focus on the true Substance of this season, that is Christ, we are not disappointed, we are not let down, and we rejoice in His beautiful news.

May you and yours be blessed by the presence of the true and everlasting Substance this Christmas season!

Immanuel... God with us!

(Check out this Advent Guide from The Village Church for more resources on how to focus on HIM this season: http://www.thevillagechurch.net/mediafiles/advent-guide.pdf)

Have I mentioned...

... how much I love this ministry? THANK YOU to everyone who makes it possible!

Tiny Prints, Oh Tiny Prints!

Oh Tiny Prints... you and I actually have a very special relationship, although you may not know it. I remember back in 2006 I was searching online for the perfect Christmas card. I just did a general Google search and happened to come across Tiny Prints. No offense, but at the time you were not nearly as big as you are now and I had never heard of you. I definitely liked what I saw though and was surprised I had never seen your cards before. I uploaded a picture of Jeff and I with sledgehammers in our very first home that was very under construction. The caption read, "Merry Christmas... from our "home" to yours." Ha... I know, I was pretty funny back in the day. If I were at home I would scan it in for all to see, but maybe in another post. :)

Anyway, this year I was looking through Tiny Prints web site and found LOTS of cute cards! I think I have like 20 saved in my favorites... how ever will I choose?

Of course, I always face the dilemma of how many pictures to use. My general rule is that if I have one picture I love then I will use it, but I usually can't decide and have to make Jeff decide for me. The more I look at something the less I can tell if I like it or not! Last year I didn't plan ahead so I just used several pictures on a collage.

If you know me, you know that I love color. I always have and I hope I always will. So naturally several of my favorite cards include some fun colors...

This one would be fun if I can find one great picture...

And these tri-fold cards are super cute...

And of course this one is totally my style...

I love that Tiny Prints has matching return address labels as well! They are super cute!

We always love to display our Christmas cards all over our french doors. I like to be able to see each and every one of them throughout the season and think they make a fun decoration. :)

I also have a scrapbook that I keep all our family's Christmas cards in. I love seeing the cards beginning with our first year of marriage and continuing with our growing family. I know the scrapbook will hold many years of memories (and actually, it already does!)

Thanks, Tiny Prints for having such cute, fun, and COLORFUL Christmas cards. I can't wait to get mine ordered!

I'm Going to Miss This...

Whenever Grace and I are out and about, I almost always have someone say, "Cherish these moments, it goes by so fast." Or... "I just sent my daughter off to high school last week, I feel like she was just that age." I remember people telling me the same thing about my wedding... "soak up and enjoy every minute! It goes by so fast!" I actually remember taking a moment at our reception and trying to "soak it up," whatever that really means. But I did it, gosh darn it!

I think sometimes when we hear things like this we think they sound cliche and we don't really pay attention to them. I almost stop myself from saying similar things to other people because I feel like they've been said before. But there's a reason they are said so often... by every parent... ever.

It's because they are true.

And because when we look back, if we're totally honest, we probably realize that we didn't really cherish every moment. So we tell others to cherish every moment. Because we know that the tantrums in the grocery store are maddening at the time, but later we learn to value the time at the grocery store with our little buddies because there will be a day when they are grown up, in school, and we are at the grocery store by ourselves. I will miss my little grocery store buddy, tantrums and all.

I actually happen to be super sentimental. You may or may not believe me based on all the crazy mom-moments I like to share. But actually, sharing those crazy moments helps me to put them in perspective and realize it's not the end of the world when I have a bad day and want to pull out every hair on my head. I don't think cherishing your children's lives always means acting like everything is perfect. Because clearly, everything is not.

But some moments truly feel that way to me. Some moments just feel absolutely perfect.

I feel like it's the most simple moments that make me a little weepy. Sometimes I feel like I kind of remove myself from the room and am just taking a mental video of the moment... and then I cry like a baby. (Or just tear up a lot, ok, so I'm sentimental and I like to exaggerate a little).

A few weekends ago we were at the Gin in Belton (probably my favorite place in Central Texas) listening to live music. We had just eaten dinner and gone down to the river to feed some ducks. I think this was the first time Grace had fed ducks and it was actually kind of sentimental to me. I have lots of memories of feeding ducks when I was younger (one included my dad drop-kicking a goose that bit me on the shin)! Can't forget that one!

I don't know what it is, there is just something so sweet and simple about a little toddler feeding a duck. (Am I crazy or is this true?) I think I just love how exciting and new it is to her. I mean, it's a duck. But to her IT'S A DUCK!! I just love living life through the lens of a toddler.

After feeding ducks, we went up to listen to some live music. I love music. And dancing, if you don't already know. :) There weren't too many people there yet and Jeff and Grace were kind of dancing on the sidewalk while we ate our yogurt. (Ok, Grace was dancing and Jeff was kind of standing there like the "cool dad" that he is.) Then the sweet man played "Daughters" by John Mayer. Now, I am not a huge John Mayer fan, but I really like the way this man plays everything. And I'm like 95% sure he played it just for us. It was like they were in a movie with a soundtrack playing in the background. It was so sweet. The chorus goes like this...

"Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too"

Unfortunately I didn't get the best part on video, but I still think it's sweet. Even though they aren't dancing, they are just living life... picking plants, Grace running away from Daddy, Daddy disciplining, Grace screaming for ducks. Nothing gets me choked up more than daddies and daughters... especially Daddies and daughters to a soundtrack...

If you've been a mom more than .05 seconds, you know it goes by too fast, and you know you're going to miss this stage, whatever it might be. Our children will not always be fascinated by ducks, so let's cherish the moments that they are. You've also probably come to realize that this childhood thing is not really about the big vacations or the important milestones or the fancy birthday parties.

It's about feeding ducks and eating yogurt and dancing with your daddy.

Preach It, Girl

Ok... I didn't realize until recently that people were still unable to comment on this blog. So... I looked into our issues and the problem is officially fixed. Yay! Apparently the comment settings were only allowing registered users (whoever they are?) to comment. Ooops!

And what does the title of this post have to do with that? Nothing. I couldn't just post a boring administrative message about comments and end it there, so I thought I would include one of my new favorite videos of Grace. (I know, I don't really like her being out in the public domain of the world wide web, but it's just a video, right?) :)

This is her reading a new children's Bible we bought her. I think she maybe got my overly passionate/opinionated theological genes. Preach it, girl! The Spirit is movin' in you!

Owned by a Toddler

Grace completely owned me today. Owned me, schooled me, had her way with me, beat me into a little pulp and went on with her pretty little day. In more ways than one. Seriously.

The day started with some good "clean" fun with a swiffer. (Yes, I went there with the "clean" joke). I bent down near her to do something and she accidentally jabbed the handle into my face. It actually really hurt so I reacted with a big "Owww!!" (First mistake). Well of course she thought me screaming "owww!!" was really funny so she immediately jabbed the stinkin' handle right back at me for another reaction... only this time right into my eye. I was about to cry from the pain. No signs of a black eye yet, but one definitely might be coming.

Any day that begins with a swiffer handle in your eye can only get better, right? Or so I thought. (2nd mistake)

Then we were off to a play date at a splash pad/park in Belton that we had never been to before. When we pulled up I thought it looked amazing, and it was actually. But all Grace wanted to do was climb up a really tall slide and then slide back down. She was literally giving me a heart attack every time she got close to the top because, well... she has a little clumsiness in her genes and I could just picture her tumbling down the slide. (Or over the side of the slide or all of the above.)

We survived that (barely) but then we were at the splash pad and Grace wanders off behind me (heading to the playground I think) (3rd mistake) and when I turn my head to double check that that's where she was going, she was nowhere to be found. The street is super close to the park so I had a mini heart attack. I looked behind the bathrooms and didn't see her and I go into that crazy (but innate) panic mom mode. This is actually the first time in Grace's 19 months of life that I've ever had that "where is my child?" freak out. You try to keep the panic within and act calm, but then you realize that in numbers you have a greater chance of finding her, so you scream out (while trying not to sound too crazy) "where on earth is my child!!! Oh my gosh, does anyone see her???" (To my defense, there is a huge part of the street that you can't see because of the bathrooms so I was worried she was in the street. Why I didn't run back there, I'm not sure. Screaming seemed like the better option in the moment). Right as her mother was going into cardiac arrest, Grace casually struts her stuff right on out of the women's bathroom. Ha. Owned that mom of mine again.

We left to go eat lunch (not without a few more minor incidents) at Bodega Bean, a cute little coffee/sandwich shop. It's not really set up for kids, it's more for lounging, so the girls got to sit in big girl chairs. This is never good for us. Grace was eating a big cup of fruit and kept dropping some on the ground, getting out of her chair and trying to eat it. Each germ-ridden piece of fruit that I tried to get to would result in a scream/meltdown/kicking fest. Pretty sure she ate a piece or two off the ground. Towards the end of lunch she was behaving pretty well so I was caught up in conversation a little bit, until an older lady sitting next to us came right over to our table, picked up Grace's cup of fruit which was 2 inches from my foot and told me that all the fruit had spilled to the ground and she had been eating it. Thank you, sweet woman, for obviously caring more for my child than I did in the moment. Along with my heart of gratitude, was sheer embarrassment for being that mom that someone has to "lend a hand to" because they have no clue what is going on with their child. Yeah... I've totally judged these kinds of moms before. (And I'm totally getting another lesson on humility... which pretty much happens daily around here now).

I think as moms we can't help but to base our level of "success" as a mom on our child's behavior (and on our own behavior in response to them). If Johnny is a good boy, then he must have a great mom. I am not going to lie, I definitely had a couple of those "what am I doing wrong?" thoughts today. (Grace- this is totally not offensive towards you- I'm pretty sure you are just a normal toddler and your mom is just a first time mom and doesn't know anything).

I started reading a new book recently called "Show them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus." I love the message of the book, which is basically that we have changed the story of the Bible, which is a story of grace, into a book of rules and moralistic teachings. We use the Bible to tell our kids how they should behave instead of allowing it to point to the grace that our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us.

Obviously God lays out desirable behaviors for us in His word, but this is not its primary message. Instead of using the Bible to tell our children what they should be doing, we need to make these stories about remembering. Remembering the work of Christ and not focusing on the work of our children (or ourselves).

"The good news about Jesus's obedience and shameful death is the only motif that will grant our children a heart to obey."

Obedience comes from a changed heart. The longer we try to turn our children into behaving robots (or become behaving robots ourselves) the further we are pushing ourselves away from the true message of the Gospel.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm preaching this message because I obviously did not have a "behaving robot" on my hands today and I'm trying to make myself feel better. Ha... ok, maybe a little bit. But really, I'm trying to remind myself of these truths.

I am not valued by my behavior, by my success as a mother or by my ability to keep it all together while in public with a toddler that is owning me... over and over and over.

And I will not teach my children that their value comes from their behaviors either. But obviously, "behaving" on and adult level and a toddler level are important as well. I just don't know what else to say about that, but I'll let you know when I figure it all out.

But for now, I think I'll strut around town with my black eye, bragging about the fact that neither myself nor my child are behaving robots, thank ya very much!

New Sprout TV Stars

Grace has a new obsession with Sprout TV. Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning I'll wheel Grace's highchair into our room and let her eat breakfast while watching Sprout. Parts of it are definitely annoying, I'm not going to lie. (No offense, Grace). And almost every time I watch it I can't help but think...

What if this was my job....

And what if this was Jeff's job...

Would you (could you) still be our friend? :)

When The Thing is Not The Thing

Do you ever have those breakdowns about the thing that is not the thing?

This is pretty much how I operate 100% of the time. The thing is never the thing.

I remember during seminary finals I was stressed to the max. Studying like crazy, but still feeling a little dumb. Not getting as much sleep as I needed (which messes with my head) and just straight up stressed. The funny thing is, I felt like I was handling the stress pretty well. Until I pulled up to our house after my last final (yes, I was DONE!), and as I was getting out of my car I hit my head on the top of the door.

And the tears started to flow. Right there in the street.

About hitting my head? No. Not at all. See, the thing was totally not the thing.

Without getting into too many details for now, the last month has been stressful in many ways with a lot of ups and downs. I've spent time in prayer and have felt like I've been "ok" with the way things have been. Until today... when I found Sarge eating a dead bird in the back yard. Gross. I got him away from it, took Grace to MDO and then came back to find (please skip this part if you have a queasy stomach) the nasty bird carcass and feathers that he had thrown up all over my living room rug. It actually cleaned up pretty easily but I still think I need some overtime pay for that one. Well, by the time I got home after picking Grace up, there was the poor tiny bird head (and lots of other nastiness) all over the rug in Grace's room. Please remember this is the same rug that Sarge had a poop explosion all over like a week or two before Grace entered the world. :)

And then came the meltdown. About the rug? No. (Well maybe a little about the rug). But mostly about the crazy emotional roller coaster that I've been on over the past month. The thing was just totally not the thing.

But through the ups and downs I've realized that God has done one of those "deep changes" on my heart. It's one of those things that you don't realize is there until you go through what you've been through before... but this time you realize it's different.

What I've seen is that He's taken away the "shock" I used to feel about facing trials. When I used to face difficult times, I would be upset over 2 things:

1. The fact that this is happening to me ("Why me?" I would think, and basically be filled with self-pity)

2. And then whatever the particular trial was

I no longer think "why me?" And it's not because I'm awesome (because we've clearly established that I'm not!), but it's because God has done a work on my heart in this area and I didn't realize it until this most recent trial.

It's not that I'm now a debbie downer, always expecting something bad to come my way, I think I just understand trials better. I believe and understand at a deeper level that trials are God's way of shaping us and molding us and sanctifying us into who He wants us to be. (I obviously "knew" this before with my head, but didn't used to actually feel it with my heart). Somehow, in the midst of these trials God has reminded me that this really is HIS plan. It's not some "unfair" situation. It's not because of Johnny so and so. It's not because I did something wrong. It's because it's His plan and He wants to sanctify me through trials.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I obviously can't say I have "counted it all joy", but I have walked through just the trial this time instead of the "self-pity" and the trial.

Tim Keller says that in the face of trials we need to "relocate our glory." (Yes, I'm quoting someone other than Matt Chandler, aren't you proud?) Meaning that, usually we are looking for our glory and security in something outside of Christ and that often makes the trial even more difficult. Our glory is in Christ and not in anything else. We need to see our trials from the perspective of the Gospel... there is resurrection on the other side of suffering. We must continue walking with Him. Christ not only followed and obeyed God, He followed Him all the way to the grave.

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:8

That is what perfect obedience looks like. If it takes trials and pain and hardship to get us closer to looking like Jesus, then we really should consider it all joy.

(And maybe I should also start praying that I can actually make the thing the thing. Then when I have my breakdowns they will actually be about something legitimate instead of dead bird carcasses.)

Pride Check...

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you feel totally on top of the world?

Honestly, I was having one yesterday. It was one of those good and prideful days where I really felt like Jeff should just pin an award on me and have a little ceremony honoring my mommy skills. The morning went smooth getting Grace to Mother's Days Out. No tantrums, no hang ups, no turn-arounds because we forgot something. Just pure delicious smoothness. After I dropped her off I raced to the gym for some good torture at spin class (it was full, darn it, but I got my own little workout in). I came home to shower and show the house, and then picked Grace up and put her down for her nap. After she went down I got a head start on dinner by prepping a chicken to roast for dinner. I mean, if dinner is prepped ahead of time, you know it's a good day around here! Oh, and can I also throw in the fact that my house was perfectly clean since we also had two showings?! Yeah, just try to stress me out, Tuesday, I've got everything under control around here.

Ok- before I start to annoy myself with all this "bragging" let me just say... I'm sharing this because my thinking is really. just. absolutely. ridiculous.

Does anyone else ever think this way or am I the only crazy prideful person out there? Does it make you want to go post something on Facebook that is kind of about what an awesome mom you are, but not really, so it's not totally like you're bragging, but you can can still get a good "hint" of brag in there? Something like... "Yummm... can't wait to roast the chicken I just prepped for dinner!" But what you're really saying is, "yes, I'm an awesome mom, folks. It's only 1:30 pm and I've got a delicious chicken to pop in the oven before my husband gets home from work. I'll be wearing my cute little apron and will greet him with a wet kiss, a perfect home and a perfect child. Oh, I'm sorry that's not your life... that's too bad." :) (Hmmm... Facebook might get its own post too!)

Ok, so our pride is really what's ridiculous about this whole thing. Do we really think that we deserve the glory for accomplishing these things? (And ok, I realize that the "accomplishments" I've listed above are probably not even considered accomplishments to most people. These are probably things you do everyday without breaking a sweat, but I'm a little behind you and the rest of the world. So please insert whatever accomplishments you find yourself being proud of and let the example work for you.) :)

And what's even more ridiculous, is that most of the time we really actually DO think we deserve the glory! Ha! Let me just go through the list... using my so-called "accomplishments" as an example...

First of all... I woke up yesterday by the grace of God. He does not owe me today. He did not owe me yesterday and He does not owe me tomorrow. My legs and arms and eyes and ears are all working pretty perfectly too. Without such gifts I couldn't have made Grace's lunch, or driven her to MDO, or given her a big hug this morning. I should be on my knees praising His name and thanking Him for the giving me breath today, but I'm pretty sure I just took it for granted instead.

The smoothness of the morning was a gift as well. Anything that I contributed that seemed to make it smooth was by His grace and by the leading of the Holy Spirit. Grace was happy this morning, not because I'm an awesome mom, but because that was His plan for her today.

Oh, what about this? Can I be prideful about the fact that I chose to go the gym? Oh wait, no, because again, He gives me that desire and He gave me my functioning body. I should be praising Him for giving me a body that works and praising Him that I am blessed with the time in my day to exercise. (And while we're on this note... if I'm working out to bring glory to myself then there's another check in the pride box right there. So if I take pride in the fact that I'm working out in order to become prideful about my appearance, then I'm just all kinds of messed up... Did anyone follow that?)

The 3 hours of the day where Grace is at Mother's Day Out is a huge blessing from God that we are able to pay for it. We can only pay for it because God has placed Jeff in the job that he has right now and has given Him certain strengths and abilities. His job could be gone tomorrow and it could last the rest of his life, but either way it's a gift. Jeff doesn't have that job because he's awesome. Any of His "awesomeness" comes from the power of the Holy Spirit working through him. His identity is not in his job (well, I know sometimes it feels like it is, but that's not where it actually is. It is in Christ.) And the only way I even got that darn chicken ready is because of MDO! And MDO is a gift! But somehow I am taking the glory for the chicken!

(Why am I taking glory for a chicken in the first place? It's a chicken. Somehow I've ended up talking way too much about this stinkin' chicken. And I apologize.)

It's kind of difficult to think about some of the things we feel prideful about. I used to not really think of myself as a prideful person because I am also my own worst critic! But I feel like I have been faced with the depth of my pride lately as I am faced with the awesomeness of God.

We can not know God truly and deeply and still be prideful.

We just can't. And like I've said before... I still have a ways to go in truly knowing Him.

I know that some of this might sound negative... like we have no control or say in our lives. Like nothing I do as a mom will change the way my children turn out. Well, we do have free will... obviously, you can go buy a cookies and cream shake from Chick Fil A right now if you want to. (Mmmm...that sounds good). But I wouldn't say that we are in control. We are not in control of whether or not we'll make it there safely. We are not in control of whether or not they will have chocolate shakes available. We are also not in control of how our children turn out. We think we are, but we're really not. God is in control. We are not. Plain and simple.

Obviously, we can still make choices and decisions that are wise and glorifying to God. Feeding your obese child fast food 3 times a day and stating that it's just God will for him to be overweight won't cut it. But on the other hand, when we obsess about what we feed our children and think we are controlling their destiny for a cancer-free life, we are also mistaken. We can not manipulate life to work the way we want it to. (Which is actually a blessing- God's plans for us are MUCH better than the ones we come up with anyway!)

But again, if you think this sounds negative, I'll go ahead and throw in the puncher, and give you my favorite Matt Chandler quote (because no post is complete without some good ole' Matt Chandler)...

"You are not awesome."

It's true. We're not. And if we are offended by that, we have yet to see the depth of God's awesomeness.

"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too in the assembly of the holy ones. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared. He is more awesome than all who surround Him. O Lord God almighty, who is like you?"

-Psalm 89:5-8

As if I didn't realize the depth of my pride enough yesterday, God thought I needed one more kick in the pants today, just to be sure there wasn't any leftover pride running around in that head of mine. Grace was sitting and climbing on a stool at her 18 month appointment this morning while I talked to Dr. Black. I was holding Grace's hand, but let go for a moment to use my hand as I told a story. After I let go, Grace fell backwards off the stool, head first... hitting her head on the cement-like floor and a corner of a wooden table leg all at the same time. It was the bad type of fall. The type that takes a doctor by surprise and makes her check my poor baby's head. I'm pretty sure she wanted to check mine too.

Good thing God is way more awesome than me.

Convenient or Crazy?

I just visited the "Chronicles of a Babywise Mom" blog for the first time in maybe a year or so. I actually did find some of her information helpful when trying to get the whole sleeping thing down, but I also got really stressed out by her perfection, her attention to detail, her lists, and her "perfect" answer to every possible parenting question you could ever imagine. I learned that the trick is to read her blog with a grain of salt and only take the information you find helpful. If you sit there comparing yourself to her, you will stress out! (And if we actually think we can control everything about our children's lives, we are sorely mistaken... but that, my friends, is for another post).

Well, I am currently on a search for some good discipline books/blogs/information. I just want to make sure that we are consistent and have a plan and aren't always changing it up on Grace and confusing her when it comes to discipline. I honestly think that is what gets me the most distraught during our little episodes... I want to make sure I'm doing the "right" thing to discipline her. But then I also I know that there basically is no right thing. Every book will tell you something different, but I just want to read as much as possible and form my own personal convictions about what I'm doing.

So... along my search I came across Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. I found this as one of her most recent posts:

Planning Your Schedule for Multiple Children

As I'm reading it, I have a mixture of emotions. At first, I'm thinking that it's awesome. I want to start making my list and planning things out to perfection each day of my life for forever.

Then I'm thinking, wait, maybe this is THE most insane thing I've ever read in my life. Did you just tell me to plan my day out in 30 minute intervals? And this is so I can be "flexible" with it? I'm just confused now.

I am sure this idea gets some of you Type A people all excited and giddy and ready to go color coordinate your life in 30 minute intervals.

And then you Type B people are just turned off by the ridiculousness of it all, not even understanding the need for planning more than an hour or two in advance for anything, ever.

Honestly, I think at this point in my life I fall somewhere in between. I used to be pretty Type B and still definitely have some of those B personality traits. I am proud of the fact that I now usually know what is coming up in the week ahead (thanks only to my Cozi app, but still, I know!) :) But becoming a mom has shifted me a little more towards Type A, which I think was probably a good thing for me! It is honestly easier and more enjoyable having some structure to our day (and good for Grace too)! I've always liked structure, but until Grace I wasn't very good at implementing it upon myself. :)

But if I'm being honest, I think the reason her plan/prison schedule is kind of unappealing to me is because I would literally go completely crazy if we got off track. Like, my whole day would be thrown off if I had this laminated, color-coded schedule on the fridge and then we didn't stick to it. ("What!?! We're supposed to be having structured playtime and we're still eating lunch!! Everyone onto structured playtime NOW!!") So maybe that's why I'm turned off by it? Maybe I am more Type A than I think?

So, for now I guess I'll hold my judgment on her "plan," mainly because, well, I don't have multiple children. What if I just shift a little more towards my Type A side with each child? I could be color coding and laminating like a crazy person in a few years... ya never know!

So, I'm curious... what are your initial thoughts on her "plan"... convenient or crazy? And are you typically Type A or Type B?

(Yes, participation required!) :)

My 9 Drafts

I currently have 9, yes, nine blog posts sitting in blogger saved as drafts. I have this issue with starting things and not finishing them. Or with finishing them and thinking they're not perfect enough. So then even though they are finished, they are not actually finished to me because they're not perfect. Usually I see this crazy perfectionism as annoying because I leave a lot of things unfinished, but I think in this case it's actually (kind of) a good thing.

I think blogging is so good for me... as I write and wrestle with different topics, I realize how much I don't know. There are things that I think I get, but as I try to write it out I realize that I'm not sure it's actually biblical. I've really been tested lately with something Matt Chandler said in a podcast of his (I honestly don't remember which one... Colossians maybe?) But he said this...

"I don't care what you think, I care what the Bible says."

That may seem like a simple truth, but I have felt convicted about this because of the way I often approach the Bible. If there is a verse that I don't necessarily like or one that makes God look "mean," I try to find a way to justify it or "explain it away." For some reason I think that God needs me to defend Him, that He needs me to dress Him up and make Him look "nice." I've been really convicted about coming to know the God of the Bible... the FULL character of God... His mercy, His wrath, His love, His grace, His judgment, His kindness, His justice, His peace... His everything.

Do you know that God?

Yes, He did destroy everything on earth with a flood (Genesis 6-7), He sent plagues (Exodus 7-12), He gave the men of Israel over to the men of Judah where 500,000 were killed (2 Chronicles). We could go on and on about stories of the Bible that don't seem "right." "It doesn't seem like a loving God would do those things," we might think.

Well He did. Are you ok with that? Do you understand why? Do you get the big picture of the Bible? And if you don't, can you wrestle through it with Him? Do you know the full nature and character of God? Or do you just know "Easter Bunny Jesus," as Matt Chandler calls him? (Sorry, I steal his phrases left and right!) But basically, do you invent this idea of God in your head that is only "nice" and is what you want Him to be?

We can't make God out to be who we think He should be... otherwise we are worshiping an idol. He is who He is. We can't "enhance" Him as we talk to others about Him... we can't control how people feel about God, we can only talk about who He really is. I'm trying to make sure I only talk about the God of the Bible, and in order to do so, I need to know the God of the Bible. I'm questioning the things that I often assume about God and making sure they are actually Biblical.

And I have a long way to go.

And so I sit, with my 9 blogger drafts... wanting them to be perfectly Biblical, wrestling with what is Biblical, and honestly sometimes just being too lazy to try and figure it out.

I wonder how many drafts we all have going. How many things have we assumed about God... how many things have we held on to about God to make ourselves feel better, to make others feel better or to make God look good. And how many things are we just being lazy about? How much of Him do we not know because we simply have not tried to know?

Let's continue to edit our drafts about God, whatever they might be, so that they conform with the Bible. Let's stop assuming and start reading, so that we actually know Him... and his full character... plagues and floods and wars and all...

And as I said, I have a long way to go.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." - 1 John 5:21-22

Anyone else...

... have tears in their eyes after watching this?

I read this definition of parenting the the other day. I had to read it a couple times (but maybe I'm just slow that way). I thought it was beautiful...

"You fulfill yourself by denying yourself, preparing the people you can't live without to live without you."

(Crazy U by Andrew Ferguson)

The Cul de Sac of Stupidity

I'm completely stealing another thought/idea/clever phrase from Matt Chandler... I should probably dedicate this blog to him, or pay him copyright fees, or maybe I should just get my own material. I'm not sure. While I am totally stealing his phrase, I did want to expand on it a little bit more.

It's called... the "Cul de Sac of Stupidity." Yes, maybe it's a little harsh and yes, he's kind of calling our thinking process "stupid," but that's really what it is. I'll try to break it down...

Ultimately, only God alone can satisfy us, right? He alone is to be praised. He alone is worthy. He alone is God. He is the only one who can satisfy us with a real and deep satisfaction. Think about how often you feel satisfied (or what you think is satisfied) through your children, your spouse, your friends, your possessions, your beautiful home, your new car smell car, your boat, your smokin' hot body or your perfect hair. The thing is, none of those (no, not even your precious children) are able to truly and deeply satisfy you. If you try to let these things satisfy you, you always go searching for "more" because they always fall short of God.

You've probably heard this concept before. But I think it's something we tend to forget, and if you look at the way we think, live, or act, it's obvious that we forget this.

So where does the cul de sac of stupidity come in? Well, our 4 year old car doesn't satisfy us anymore, so we get a new one. Our iPhone just isn't cutting it anymore so we need the newer one. Our hairstyle is a little boring so we need a new one. Our daughter's clothes just aren't quite cute enough so let's buy her some more. He also comments on the fact that most things we buy are things we already have. I thought this was so interesting and so true! I was listening to it right after I bought Jeff a Keurig coffee maker for Father's Day and I was like, yup, we already had a coffee maker!

We are stuck in the cul de sac of stupidity, going round and round, trying the same thing over and over to satisfy us. And it doesn't. So what do we do? Look to The Source of Eternal Satisfaction? No! We try out some more "new" things! And we really think that the "next thing" might actually satisfy us for more than .5 seconds this time. See how silly it is?

But some of us might feel like we've escaped the cul de sac of stupidity because we don't always have to have the best car or phone or clothes or house or whatever. We might be feeling good and prideful about the fact that we aren't super materialistic, that we know how to draw financial limits for ourselves. But there are plenty of other ways to get stuck in this "cul de sac"...

Maybe I'm just making this up, but I feel like our generation isn't quite as materialistic as the previous one. (Or maybe it's because I now live in Temple instead of Dallas?) I just tend to come across a lot more people in my generation that actually realize that their identity is not found in "things." What I feel like is happening though is that we're having the same "heart issue" but expressing it in a different way. Maybe you're not finding your satisfaction in your granite countertops, but are you finding your satisfaction in how "good" of a person you think you are, in how much you volunteer, in how much you accomplish in 24 hours, in how awesome of a mom you are, in how awesome of a wife you are... or even... in how good you are at following God's commands, or how often you read your Bible.

Please notice that I'm using "reading your Bible" and "following God's commands" as parallel examples to "needing a new car." Yes, I'm really doing that. And I'll tell you why.

It's all about the heart behind these actions. Obviously needing a new car and reading your Bible are not in and of themselves bad things. But our identity and our satisfaction is in Christ, and Christ alone. If we feel good about ourselves for volunteering or reading our Bible or following God's law, it's no different than feeling good about yourself because of the ferrari that you drive or the 5 carat diamond ring that sport. Isn't it ironic that we judge wealthy people for finding their satisfaction in "things," when our heart is actually doing the same thing, just with something other than a 5 carat diamond ring (well, maybe you have a 5 carat ring... ;)).

If we are finding our ultimate satisfaction outside of Him, no matter what it is in, it doesn't last and it's not real. We go around and around the cul de sac of stupidity trying to volunteer more, read our Bible more, or be "better" at following God's commands. We are kind of trying to satisfy ourselves with our "goodness."

We often do these things to feel better about ourselves instead of to bring honor and glory to God.

It's basically saying, God, I don't need you. I can be a "good" person by my own effort. I can help people. I can memorize Scripture. I can "earn" your favor and become deserving of your grace.

But we can't. We miss the whole purpose of the cross if we think we can earn it or deserve it because it's absolutely free...

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8-9.

We can't work for it and we can't play a part in salvation. It's from Him.

We typically have a really difficult time accepting things for free so we start to work for them. Do you realize what we are saying when we are trying to work for salvation? We are saying that Christ's work wasn't enough. That we have to add something to it. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

So let's try to identify the "Cul de Sacs of Stupidity" that we're stuck in, hand them over to Him, and take residence on just a good old, narrow residential street... that looks a lot like His path for our lives.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

Ultimate Desires...

What are your ultimate desires for your children? After several weeks of thinking in circles through various issues, I've had to ask myself this question over and over. I've realized that if you were to look at the things most of us actually spend our time talking about, it would appear as though our ultimate desires are for our children to...

Go to the best schools

Make good grades

Be the best in their class (or at least better than 90%) ;)

Be awesome athletes

Have a wide range of opportunities

Have good friends

Go to college

Get a great job

Be "successful" (whatever that means!)

Get married

Have children

Etc.

While none of these things are necessarily evil desires, they have been making me think. We've been sorting through this whole school thing a little early because our house is for sale so we are taking into consideration what school district we'll move into. As I've been asking around for advice, here are some of the pros and cons I hear about various schools...

"School A is smaller so your child has a better chance at being in the top 10% and excelling in sports."

"I sent my son to School B and when he went to college he was absolutely not prepared."

"School C has gangs and a higher rate of teenage pregnancy."

As I've thought over these things and tried to kind of make some sort of a decision for where our 16 month old might possibly go to kindergarten, I've tried to back up and ask... what is our ultimate goal? What is our ultimate desire for Grace and our other child(ren)?

Very simply, it is that they would love Christ, and be captivated by Him each and every day...both in the seemingly menial tasks and the seemingly important tasks. That they would have a deep love for His people and spend their time serving instead of judging. That they would follow where He leads and that they would desire to walk with Him. Ultimately, that they would glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

So, if that is really our ultimate desire, how does this play out as we try to make a decision about school districts? I honestly don't know. I wish I had an answer because then I would have the answer to where we should move. But through all of this, I have learned that all the menial things we try to control are pretty ridiculous. God can "educate" my child through a teen mom. God can "educate" my child by not giving them a spot in the top 10%. God can "educate" my child by not providing an immediate job for them. It just depends on how we define education.

(Ok, obviously, OBVIOUSLY, I'm not suggesting that we all try to put our kids in the most difficult situations ever and pray that God teaches them through it. I'm not saying that I hope Grace is at the bottom of her class or that I hope she has wild friends, or that I hope she isn't prepared for college so that God can teach her. Obviously. But just in case you really think that I'm that crazy, I wanted to clarify.)

I'm just reminding myself of what is really important as we sort through this decision. I hope we can come back to these basics desires as we continue to make these types of decision in the future.

This prayer has been written in the front of my Bible since college. I didn't write it, and I don't know where it's from. (I'm probably breaking some copyright laws here.) It's a prayer that I hope will will truly reflect the desire of my heart a little more each time I pray it...

"Lord, I give up all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever. Amen."

It takes a lot of faith to pray that God would work out His will in my life "at any cost." I think it takes even more faith to pray that prayer for Grace. What if Him working out His will means that she doesn't go to college, or that she doesn't get married, or even... that her time on this earth would be shorter than we "expect." As much as it pains me to even type those words...

Are we actually able to pray that God would work out His perfect will in the life of our family at any cost? And do we really mean it? Is our ultimate desire for Grace really that she would glorify God and enjoy Him forever? And do our actions and decisions reflect that?

Just some light thinking for your Sunday evening... :)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

I Just Bought a Rabbit's Foot...

Friday 13th was a day for the record books around here. Let me start by saying I have really felt like Grace and I have been in a great "groove" around here lately. I was feeling pretty good and prideful about the fact that we have a general daily schedule, we do fun stuff with friends during the week, we read books, we do little crafty things and we really have been enjoying our days for the most part! I thought I had finally reached my "stay-at-home-mommy-groove," until I realized that, unfortunately, there really is no such defined groove.

I am not kidding when I say that Friday the 13th was the most difficult day I've ever had as a mom. Pretty sure God wanted to tear down my prideful thinking, test my patience to humbling degrees, and give me some "material" for my new blog. Grace was in a mood of all moods, we had a messy house with two house showings, a trip to the grocery store where I conveniently left my wallet at home, AND an online order to Papa John's in which I accidentally selected "carryout" instead of "delivery." Really?? Apparently I've walked under one too many ladders in my lifetime.

I think Grace had a total of 4 temper tantrums, which is about as many as she had had in her life up to this point. And that is not including the huge fits that went with every. single. diaper. change. all. day. long. Diaper changes are, quite literally, being used by God to sanctify me these days.

By tantrum #3 I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided to put her in her crib and let her scream it out (even though I still debate whether their crib is the best place to have a tantrum). I didn't have the energy to think, I just acted in the moment and I told her I would be back when she had stopped screaming. I needed her confined because when Grace throws tantrums she likes to run all over the house screaming, so it doesn't necessarily feel safe to ignore her. (That's probably why she runs!) While she threw her tantrum, I went to the kitchen, and I wish I could say that I prayed for patience, but I really just did everything within my power to not lay my belly down on the kitchen floor, legs kicking and arms flailing, head shaking and mouth screaming (that is how I threw tantrums back in the day). Fortunately, I did resist the urge, thank you very much.

By about 5:00, I was ready for the day to be over. Actually, I was ready to eat some pizza, and I was counting down the minutes until that delicious heart attack arrived on my door step. Oh, but it never did. Oh, and Jeff was working late. Oh, and I was just done.

By the time Jeff "carried out" and "delivered" our pizza, I was hungry, tired, frustrated and just needed to be alone. I literally ate dinner in the living room by myself while Jeff and Grace ate at the table. (Mom of the year anyone?) I slowly felt convicted about neglecting my husband and child, so I decided to turn on Grey's Anatomy, thinking that would make all my problems go away. For some strange and unknown reason, it didn't. About 5 minutes later, I still felt convicted, so I got my lazy booty off the couch, joined them at the table, and tried to be a decent human being.

I don't think I succeeded.

For those of you who have never experienced this, you are probably judging me right now. The pre-mom Kim probably would be too, so I won't judge you for judging me. I'll just continue...

I think my hopes of being the "best mom in the world" have slowly vanished as I've realized that, well, I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I still definitely put some crazy, perfectionist pressure on myself to win the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity award” in heaven. (Haven’t you read where Jesus talks about that reward?) I know, I think irrational and prideful thoughts. Often. Much more often than I would like to admit. (And don’t worry- a post is probably coming on that soon!)

But then I remember the good/bad news… I fall short. I am a horrible sinner. And I am a sinner in the “mom” part of my life too. Weekly. Daily. Hourly. By the second, really.

I read something recently in Gary Thomas' "Sacred Parenting" that has really changed the way I view myself as a mom. It's a very simple concept that I had heard before, but had never really understand how to practically apply it to my life. It is this:

God uses my weaknesses as a parent.

Yes, I said "uses." Not just "tolerates", not just "puts up with", but USES. Think about this... as your children realize that YOU are not perfect, that YOU are not all-knowing, that YOU can not love perfectly… they see their need for God. When they realize that mommy and daddy are sinners too, they realize that even mommy and daddy need a Savior.

Thomas says,"All of us are helpless apart from God's grace. I can't be God to my kids, but I can model my need for God." (p 46) I've decided that I would SO much rather model my need for God to Grace than try to be God to Grace.

Do I want Grace to see me as a Christian role model? Absolutely. But none of us have the power and strength of our own will to "buck up" and suddenly become perfect just because we are parents. Do you get that? We can not be the "perfect parent" because we are not the Perfect Parent. When we mess up with our kids, we ask the Lord for forgiveness and we ask our children for forgiveness. We pray that we will be reminded of our sinfulness which will, in turn, bring us to our knees as we reflect on the work of Christ on the cross.

I exposed the depths of my sin and my weaknesses to my husband, to my daughter and to myself on Friday. It was disgusting, but it was also reality. I am a wretched sinner. But thankfully the message of the Gospel doesn't end there. I rejoice in the fact that I am made clean by the work of Christ on the cross and not by the work of Kim in any aspect whatsoever.

So let's take the pressure off of ourselves to be perfect. Let's give up our hopes and dreams of being crowned the “best-mom-ever-in-all-of-eternity” and instead let's apply the truth of the gospel to our everyday lives (diaper changes included), and see how it changes us.

Deal?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Woo hoo!

Here we go! For all 5 of you dear, dedicated blogging friends that decided to join me on this journey... welcome. As for the rest of you... I really didn't want you to read my new super cool blog anyway. No really... just stop reading.

Kidding, kidding! Totally and utterly kidding! :)

Anyway, let's get down to blogging business. First of all... I have been craving blogging lately. Not sure if that's normal but hopefully the feeling will last and I will not become a blog slacker. Well, actually, I can guarantee that I will be a blog slacker at times, but hopefully it will only be for short periods of time! :)

Secondly... the name of the blog. Does anyone get the double entendre? Anyone? Do you even know what a double entendre is... because I totally had to google the spelling of it and double check that I was using the correct term. (Proud of me, Nieder & Mel?) Ok, obviously, "Ever Since Grace," as in, ever since we had our daughter Grace. But ALSO "Ever Since Grace," as in, ever since I received and understood the Grace of God in my life. The two are pretty big milestones and are pretty big sources of inspiration for my blogging, so I thought the title was appropriate.

What are your thoughts? I'm still open to suggestions... I mean, I like the idea I have going here, but if you can think of a better way to say it, I am all ears. See, I told you, I like group participation. Even if it's only 5 brave people willing to speak up. (I really hope you non-welcome people aren't still reading!) :)

Oh, and I also threw this little blog design together with the help of "Cutest Little Blog on the Block." It didn't turn out so cute because I tried to add this header and throw in some text. Wow... way over my head. Anyway, it's a work in progress and will hopefully be updated soon, so please don't judge me based on my design. (I'll probably disclose way worse things about myself that you can judge anyway.) :)

Ok, I think that's it for now. Nothing too earth shattering to share for my first post. This is fun though- I kind of like blogging about nothing. Oh wait, I do have one more question before I embark on this blogging journey...

What are some of your favorite "Mommy blogs" that are interesting to read even if you don't know the family? Serious ones, funny ones, deep ones- I want them all for some inspiration! I am bad at reading blogs of people I don't know... not sure why. Maybe because I tend to be short on this little thing called "time" and I tend to be too selfish with it. Not sure. But I better not say anything else to avoid going off on a little rant. I should probably save my ranting for my second blog post, don't ya think? :)